So, 50 is on the horizon for me. Actually, it's not on the horizon any more; it's sort of just down the street a couple of doors, racing toward me with ever-increasing speed.
I thought approaching 50 would feel different than this. I thought 50 would feel like...well, being on top of the world. At the peak of my game. Total confidence. Success, and the near certainty of future success.
Instead, it feels a whole lot like I recall 15 feeling. Uncertain. Wondering what the future holds. Insecure even. Wondering which friends will still be friends in the years to come. Sorting out the difference between friends & acquaintances. Sorting through the various cliques trying to find "my" own. Wondering if I'll ever really succeed professionally and relationally.
Fortunately, there are some huge, gaping differences between 15 & 50. I'm all set in the romance dept.; our 25th anniversary comes just a couple of weeks after turning 50. She married way beneath her, for which I am grateful on a daily basis. Also, I'm good on the career thing; I love teaching college & love doing so @ Wm. Carey. And unlike when I was 15, my faith is certain & secure, thank God! I'm part of a wonderful church family. Finally, I now know that sometimes life just...well, stinks from my perspective, but that God is good even then. (At age 15, I discovered the "life stinks" part, but was not at all convinced until years later about the "God is good even then" part...)
But despite these huge, gaping differences, there are still a disturbing number of similarities to me between 15 & 50. Most of which have to do with my own small faith or insecurity or pansy-itis or whatever.
Or perhaps that disturbing 15/50 connection is God's gift to keep me straining toward the future. Pray with me to that end, won't you? Thanks.
p.s. - And thanks for indulging me a bit of slightly morbid introspection. A couple of years back, I coined a name for such musings, drawing from the description of certain youth as "emo": since I'm hardly a youth any more, (*sigh*) I call this "emold." *smile* Regrettably, it suits me on occasion. (Being about 3 weeks from turning 50 is most definitely such an occasion...)