the beach bum

A Perfect Spiral

2012-02-16T20:44:00.000-08:00

My cousin Bill has died.

He was a few years older than I. Like me, his Dad died young. I'll miss him. Like me, he loved family gatherings.

He made me laugh. He talked sports with me, including our beloved Crimson Tide football team. I remember watching the Sugar Bowl featuring Bama & Penn State in the late 70s at his Mother's house with him. We hooted & hollered throughout, but especially when Rich Wingo & Barry Krauss stopped Penn State's Mike Guman on a 4th & 1 at the 1 to preserve a victory and another national championship. He taught me to throw a perfect spiral (which I can still do!). He taught me the proper way to catch a football ("Look it all the way into your hands...catch it away from your body...then tuck it away." I can also still do that!) He spent time with me when I was a kid. Regrettably, I never duplicated any of his athletic skills. (Well, except for throwing & catching a football...) But we did play softball together when I was in high school. I was competent; Bill was good! I've not thought of that in years, until this afternoon. As one of our cousins' daughter wrote this afternoon, "Bill, I hope you've met all the sports greats who have gone on before..."

Bill leaves behind 3 grown children, & several grandchildren. Also, a beloved sister, and a grieving Mother. (He was crazy about both!) And a bunch of us who will miss getting picked on by him and laughing with him at the family gatherings.

Like me, Bill knew failure in his life. And like me, he knew redemptive grace and salvation that is found in Christ. I know this because he & I spoke of it.

I was exercising right after I heard of Bill's passing. . I switched the ipod over to some of my favorite worship songs. When Michael English & the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir sang "I Bowed on My Knees & Cried 'Holy,'" I pictured Bill doing just that, on knees that are whole again for the first time in decades. "As I entered the gates of that city, my loved ones all knew me well..." I'm confident that's true. I'm also quite saddened that, increasingly, there's a considerable number of Madaris loved ones there waiting on the rest of us. And yet, I'm also looking forward very much to that family reunion in Glory. The one that Bill is now part of. I also remembered when he & I coincidentally had to step outside to shed a few tears at a family gathering some years ago when our Uncle led us in some hymns. It was a tender & treasured moment, as he looked at me & said "sometimes it's hard to remember those who aren't here any more, isn't it?" It is. And I felt again that stirring that Caedmon's Call sings of: "There's a stirring deep within me; could it be my time has come when I'll meet my gracious Savior face to face when all is done? I will rise up and bown down and lay my crown at His wounded feet..."

Bill, thanks, cuz. See you later. Roll Tide!
Mike

p.s. - Would you please pray for my beloved Aunt Margaret & her daughter Sandra & for Bill's children & grandchildren & nieces & nephews & cousins? Two of my favorite names of God are "Jehovah Shammah" (the God Who is present) and "El Olam" (The everlasting God.) Pray that God would manifest Himself in powerful ways these next few days, especially to Bill's immediate family, won't you?

p.p.s. - For the third time in recent weeks,
"When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: 'Death is swallowed up in victory.'
'O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?'
...thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.

(1 Corinthians 15:54-57, excerpted)

Solid

2012-02-10T19:50:00.000-08:00

(This one's been sitting in the draft folder for a few days now, fyi.)

Jim & I met in an adult Sunday School class. Very quickly, I realized that his was an orbit worth spending time in, and I did so for the next few years. Almost everyone who passed through Jim's orbit realized this.

"Steady"..."Dependable"..."Servant-minded"..."Faithful"...These are just some of the words I've heard used by folks who passed through that orbit.

Jim showed by quiet, steady example how to be a man. How to love the Lord. How to serve. How to love a wife. How to lovingly guide & mentor sons. How to encourage fellow brothers. How to enjoy the journey. So, when I say "solid" I mean that Jim modeled what the Christian man's life should be. He set the bar very high, and invited us all to join him just by how he lived. Just now, writing that, I can see his smile that always was very close to outright laughter...I can hear his quiet voice saying "C'mon, now; I'm not all that..." Genuinely solid men in the sense I'm using the word here do not have to tell us they're solid.

Unhappily for me, Jim & his family moved up to Birmingham with his job several years ago, thereby removing one of my role models from my line of sight. But, you know how people's paths cross yours & after the paths diverge you still remember them very clearly & find yourself wondering how _______(Jim, in my case) would handle this? Jim Gibson is one of those guys, and not just for me. I still remember what an uproar it caused when he was selected to coach his son's baseball all-star team in our area, but said no. His reason? He & the family had scheduled some travelling for the summer, which he valued much more highly than a 10-year-old all-star season. He & I laughed at the idiotic amazed reaction he got when he thanked the baseball authorities & said no. I always loved his very healthy sense of perspective & priorities.

Last year, Jim was diagnosed with cancer. He underwent radiation and chemo, and experienced a lot of intense pain. And yet, there he is in a Christmas picture with the same smile/laugh combo, as if nothing was wrong. They found out last week that the treatment regimen had not helped, and that the cancer had spread. Thursday, they were told that he'd be able to go home for a few days while they sorted out what to do next.

Friday, Jim went home.

Not to a house in Birmingham with his beloved Lesa. To the Home we've all been seeking and have been promised in Scripture as followers of Christ. The Home where cancer & death & pain & goodbyes are not present & never have been. (Well, except for the one time as described in the first few verses of Philippians 2...) They think it was a blood clot.

And thus, a wife of nearly 25 years is now a widow. Three young men ages 24, 20, & 16, are suddenly missing the rock-solid presence & impact & example of an awesome Dad. A church is now missing a marvelous servant. And many of us are now missing an amazing guy who was a friend and a role model at the same time. (Something very few of us ever pull off...)

There are a lot of gutless punks calling themselves "men" and "Dads" these days. Our society needs precisely ZERO more of these. We already have far too many males masquerading as men & Dads.

On the contrary, our society needs men. Desperately needs men. Men of honor & character. Men who lead their wives while totally honoring & cherishing them, loving them as Christ loved the church & gave Himself up for her (Ephesians 5). Men who coach youth sports well without losing perspective on just how important the game's outcome is(n't). Men who serve faithfully without demanding to be served and without keeping a ledger of what they are now owed in service. Men who never stop being teachable. Men who love their communities enough to actually seek to impact them for good. Men who don't sit around & whine, but instead roll up their sleeves & get busy serving. Men who, though highly competent & skilled, remain humble. Men who live lives that make others long for what they have, and then are happy to tell them where it comes from (the Gospel).

I know what such a guy looks like, because I knew Jim Gibson. A bunch of us guys know what such a guy looks like because we knew Jim.

So now, as of late Friday night, this world is that much colder & unwelcoming, and America is that much more needy of real men. One of the best went home Friday night. By the grace of God & the cross of Christ, one day I'll go home too. Perhaps I will be graciously invited forward to the V.I.P. section of Glory as a guest from my seat on the back row so that I can hear Jim's laugh & see that wonderful smile again.

And tell him thanks.

Mike

p.s. - Who marries a towering guy like Jim but an equally-towering lady? You should go here & read Lesa's blog entry titled "Healed." (You're welcome for that blessing!) Please join me in praying for Lesa, Austin, Caleb & Hunter, won't you? Thanks.

p.p.s. - Here's a pic of Jim doing the NASCAR Experience right about when he was diagnosed with cancer. See the smile? That's how Jim looked most of the time, even when just having breakfast at Shoney's with lesser men like me.

The Birthday Girl

2012-01-21T07:04:00.000-08:00

The first Bama coed I ever knew has a birthday today.

When she was at UA as an undergrad student, the football team was bad on an epic level. I quote her remembering those days: "We never really thought we'd win; we just wanted to score every now & then to keep it interesting." (This would change in a couple of years when a former player named "Bryant" was hired as HC. But that's another story for another day) She still watches & enjoys UA games to this day.

She skipped her college graduation ceremony. Because she was all busy getting married back home in Enterprise, AL to this handsome young man from the hills & woods of central Alabama. Shortly after, they moved to Anchorage, AK (taking that "leave" thing in Genesis 2 to a whole new level!). She taught school, & he worked on the local newspaper. One son later, they moved back to Alabama. Montgomery, to be precise. A couple of years & another son later, these two adventurers sacked up & moved south. Ft. Walton Beach, FL, which was then a small fishing village surrounded by swamps, snakes, & alligators. And some of the most beautiful white sand beaches anywhere on the globe. She still lives there, & still loves the area.

She was the elementary school librarian, and still loves books & reading. She reads big, long books, preferring historical fiction these days. In her 40s...in her 40s!...she spent some more time at UA pursuing & receiving a Master's degree.

She also helped the handsome husband start his new business in 1960. She spent a lot of time in the small print shop helping him get it going.

As people who took their faith seriously, they joined & became deeply involved with First Baptist Church. As givers, they served. (All of us of that faith are supposed to...but all too many of us seem to view our "ministry" as that of griping & complaining & sitting in the sanctuary daring the preacher to bless us--when we show up at all. That too is another topic for another day.) They served mostly in the preschool ministry. Behind the scenes doing stuff most don't want to do. They helped prepare Communion . Behind the scenes doing stuff most don't want to do. She still serves at that church, although age has made her ministry change a bit. Now she serves mostly by visiting shut-ins & encouraging them. Behind the scenes doing stuff most don't want to do. She is still faithful to her Lord, her faith, and her church.

The handsome husband departed this world suddenly leaving her a young single mother of two high-school age sons. And still she was faithful. She still is even now. She is a relatively new bride again by the way. She has had an enormous impact on the lives of so many. One of the great encouragers around. An incalculable impact on her sons and their children.

I cannot even begin to fathom all of the many ways her life & love & faith have impacted my own. You see, I am son #2.

Happy Birthday, Mom! "Thanks" doesn't come close...but thanks!

I love you.
Mike

The BCS System in College Football

2012-01-08T20:23:00.000-08:00

...is flawed & imperfect. (Said the Alabama grad whose team will play for a BCS National Title tomorrow night)

(As I write, it's ~9:00 p.m. on Sunday night, the day before the BCS National Title game between LSU & Bama. Thus, this has precisely zero to do with the outcome of the game.)

The current BCS system for determining who plays in the game is imperfect & controversial. Exhibit A: tomorrow night's game, which is a rematch of an earlier regular-season game.

Here's the thing: (please read this next part slowly, especially if you're a BCS hater who's livid about a rematch) There is NO flawless system for determining who wins the national title. Not one. A system that makes everyone happy just doesn't exist. It's not there. It will never be there.

I've argued for a top 4 tourney since I was a student at Bama when we were 5-6 & had no shot at the NC (or even a bowl game, for that matter). The argument (by me & by many now who are smarter, including Ok St. HC Mike Gundy) is that while the polls might disagree over who is #1 v. #2, there's rarely disagreement over who's #1-4. Let 'em have at it in a 2-game tourney. Makes a lot of sense, doesn't it? It's flawed. What if your team is a microscopically-close #5 that genuinely believes it could beat #4 & deserves a title? Then you'd be howling.

OK, then what about an 8-team tourney? What if you're a close #9? (etc.) Reply: Yes, but the NCAA hoops tournament in March has 65 teams...Reply to the reply: and every single year, there are teams left out that are controversial. If we can't pick the optimal 65-team field, why think we could find the perfect 2...or 4...or 8...or (etc.)

So, can we please recognize that ANY replacement to the current system has flaws?
(I'll give you a moment to let that be processed...)

In summary, under the current system my school is one of the two teams in the national championship game. Should we win, I will proudly claim another national title for the Crimson Tide.
Should we lose, I will graciously congratulate LSU on another national title for the Tigers.

Some concluding remarks:
--I think tomorrow night's game will be a *great* game. Smash-mouth, hard-hitting football with defenses that are both just awesome to watch.
--I thought the first game was also an awesome game. Personally, I'd rather watch a defensive slobber-knocker 9-6 OT game than a whoever-has-the-ball-last-wins type game.
--I won't be watching tomorrow's game...you read that right; not watching. I have class on the coast. I'd strongly consider skipping, but I'm the teacher! *huge grin*
--VERY IMPORTANT POINT: Precisely NOTHING that matters ultimately will be determined in the Dome tomorrow night. Zero. Zip. Nada. If you're just livid about an LSU-Bama rematch & the BCS system such that you're tweeting & firing non-stop facebook statuses, may I gently suggest that you read the news? Google "Nigeria unrest"..."Religious oppression"..."North Korea"..."Africa Famine"..."Human Trafficking"..."Slavery in 2011"...and get outraged about those things. Tomorrow night is just a dang football game!

Last thought: If you're furious about LSU-Bama playing a rematch, here's some advice: Don't watch!!

Roll Tide regardless of the outcome!
bb

Offended Much?

2011-12-26T18:28:00.000-08:00

Are you offended when someone wishes you "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas"? (or vice versa?)

I'm not. I do not expect everyone to greet me in my cultural preference. It would be nice, but I don't expect it. (I sure hope they don't expect me to greet them in their cultural preference if it's foreign to me!)

Instead, I appreciate the warm wishes & return them in kind.

As a follower of Jesus Christ, I fully understand what is celebrated at Christmas. I rejoice daily in the incarnation of the One Whose coming is from long ago and Whose coming provides hope where there would be none otherwise. My hope is certain because He came. My sins are forgiven, and will be forgotten.

In fact, it is because of His coming itself that I dare not be offended. I have received grace beyond measure from my Lord, as I deserve ABSOLUTELY NOTHING from him...nor from anyone else. As a follower of Jesus Christ, I will not be offended by something as silly as being wished "Happy Holidays." My Lord wasn't offended by actions of nonbelievers when He walked among us. He was, however, highly offended by by the actions of the uber-religious legalists who had missed the point entirely...*clears throat* (Note: stop & ponder just how winsome it is[n't] to pitch a hissy fit because someone doesn't say "Merry Christmas"...) I do not expect others to behave in a certain way. I especially do not expect nonbelievers to act like believers. I didn't act like one before I came to faith. (Sadly, I didn't for a number of years after too...but that is another topic that was covered in this space last December.)

If being wished "Happy Holidays" offends, then, with all the love I can muster, you should read the news more. Be offended by sectarian violence in Iraq...religious persecution of Christians in Sudan...church bombings on Christmas Day in Nigeria...child slavery & human trafficking all over the world. Please don't be offended by someone wishing you well!

Similarly, if my wishing you a "Merry Christmas" offends you, you too should read the news more, and be offended by those same things instead of by my well wishes. Please don't be offended by me wishing you well!

I conclude by wishing all of you the Merriest of Christmases and the Happiest of New Years. Or if you prefer, I wish you the Happiest of Holidays. Basically, I wish you the best with this post.

bb

The first time...and the next time.

2011-12-24T21:17:00.000-08:00

The first time, He came in obscurity, in a small out-of-the-way part of the world.
The next time, He will come in such a way that all the tribes on earth will see him.

The first time, He came as a helpless baby.
The next time, He will come as a victorious King.

The first time, His coming was celebrated only by animals & a few shepherds here on earth.
The next time, every knee will bow and every tongue will confess.

The first time had been anticipated, prayed for, and dreamed of by patriarchs & prophets for centuries.
The next time has been anticipated, prayed for, and dreamed of by peasants & pastors for centuries...(and by a rather obscure Business school professor in south Mississippi for several decades now.)

The first time ended in an amazing way when what appeared to be a total defeat was turned around by the total triumph of a resurrection.
The second time will be even more amazing, because there will be no doubt.

He came once. He's coming again. I can't wait!

Merry Christmas!
Mike

p.s. - "For the mountains may depart and the hills be removed,
but my steadfast love shall not depart from you,
and my covenant of peace shall not be removed,”
says the Lord, who has compassion on you."
(Isaiah 54:10 ESV)

Back to Houston/MDA

2011-12-15T05:41:00.000-08:00

So, I forgot to tell y'all this: I head back to Houston Thursday, 12/15!

A different sort of trip for a couple of reasons, but first, the schedule:
Thursday, 12/15: drive out to Houston
(just me; retail isn't very conducive to having time off this time of year! Trips like this are why ipods & podcasts were invented.)
Friday, 12/16: 2 Dr. appts @ MDA - both with new Drs.!
Dr. Homsi, my melanoma oncologist since I first went out there, has recently moved to MDA-Phoenix. Thus, I'll be meeting my new (to me) melanoma oncologist Dr. Bedikian at 11:30.
Also, I'm adding a new piece to the MDA-mmbeachbum medical care team: my first appt w/ a dermatologist there, Dr. Mays. Totally at my request.
After the two appts, eat fantastic Mediterranean food @ Dimassi's while waiting for lunch traffic to clear a bit, & then drive back home.

That's it! No P.E.T. scan this time, although I do get bood drawn.

As an added bonus, I'm staying w/ some friends who used to be in our Sunday School class back in youth/college days...now married w/ 3 young kids, & he's recently accepted a ministerial position @ FBC Houston. Looking forward to that!

Expectations: I pretty much have none, since despite having been out there 25 times in 3 years, this will be a completely new type of visit. (Although still in the same department...in fact, dermatology is also in the melanoma dept.)

Prayers are *most* welcome for safe travels. (And, selfishly, for traffic- & construction-related delays to be minimal...)

Thanks much!
bb

dad

2011-12-13T21:32:00.000-08:00

37 years ago, and yet I remember it like it was yesterday. December 14, 1974. Heart attack. He was 5 years younger than I am now, a reality that I cannot get my mind around.

I remember the pastor coming to the house to be there when Mom told me. I remember taking it very badly. For about 10 years, actually, but that's another story that's been told here. I remember many people in our living room, though I see only a crowd & not individual faces in my memory.

I remember selecting a casket. I remember an aunt explaining death to her grandson there in the funeral home. I vaguely remember that the church was packed to overflowing on Monday. I clearly remember stepping out into the back yard after the funeral, literally shaking my fist at the sky, and letting God have it. I told Him if this is what He's about, I'm finished with Him..."leave me alone!" Thankfully...graciously...He didn't. (As I wrote about in this space this time last year.)

I remember presenting his brother with the Christmas present I had purchased all by myself for Dad. I was so very proud of it: Hank Williams' Greatest Hits. His brother--a huge help to me in the years after--lost his country boy/military officer composure there for a brief moment.

I remember a group of friends awkwardly inviting me to hang out with them a few days later. I will always be grateful to them for just being present in my life, and for reminding me that life does go on, even when it seems like it shouldn't.

December 14, 1974 changed much about my life's course. But oh my...the 15 1/2 years prior really affected my life's course! Mom & I agree that I got more "daddying" in 15 years than many people get in a long lifetime. For which I am forever grateful.

Dad wasn't a perfect man. Nobody is. But he was a very, very good one. I still miss him very hard on a regular basis. But especially at Christmas time. And especially on December 14. (Which explains the occasional random tear or smile or chuckle or faraway stare tomorrow...)

I would so love to introduce him to his daughter-in-law; I know they'd love each other and enjoy each other's company. And it is with a physical ache that I long for him to know his grandchildren and more, for them to know him. This was a man who had a poem "The Little Chap Who Followed Me" printed on the back of every business card he ever gave out for Madaris Printing & Office Supplies. Who taught the 3-year-olds in Sunday School for 15 years until he left us. You know how you think some things might be a certain way? Well there are two young adults in MS who I know would be dearly loved by their grandpa and who I know would love him and enjoy his company. I'd love to talk about, well, grownup things with him. Business. Money. Politics. Church. And, of course, there's our shared love of Alabama Crimson Tide football. (Related aside: I am totally confident that he would also proudly wear Ole Miss Rebel garb since his grandson & namesake went there.)

One grandson is an engineer. Another is in the Air Force. Both of those two are newlyweds. Grandson #3 is in his last year of pharmacy school. Granddaughter #1 is training to be a cosmetologist. And #2 is about to begin high school. He would be nuts about every one of them.

Our nation faces a severe shortage of men. Oh, there are plenty of males around; that's not what I'm talking about. I mean MEN. Who take responsibility for their actions. And for the families. And for their churches. And for their communities. Who know how to love & honor & cherish a lady. (That is in desperately short supply these days.) Who are good stewards of their financial resources. Who are wise, regardless of their education level. Who are not selfish punks worrying about getting "disrespected". I knew one once, and still miss him. Perhaps one day I'll live long enough to be more like him.

Until then, I will live in the grace of God and in the hope of Heaven. And in thanksgiving for one very good man in whose orbit I once lived...and still do.

With love and hope because of Christmas,

Mike

For Every Mountain

2011-11-14T08:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, the choir & orchestra at church led us to throne of Glory (as they do each week). They did one of my favorite songs...one that causes me allergy attacks and that won't let me sit still & keep my hands under control...one that I'd love to be sung at my funeral one day.

I've heard the song several times before. It rocks me every single time, for it takes me deep into the depths of my soul & my theology, while at the same time greatly magnifying God and His gracious goodness to me in so many ways.

Before sharing the lyrics with you, a simple question: what are you thankful for?

My own typical answer is "that's easy! (followed by a list of pleasant things like spouses, parents, jobs, pets, friends, Fall leaves, football,...)" You know, Fun & Pleasing things. Which I *am* OH-so thankful for!

But what about the trials? What about the mountains that stood in your path? What about the valleys that sprawled before you? What about those times your world was totally rocked & you looked up in total despair, wondering why & how?

Why are we not typically thankful for those?
(Answer: because we're human! And thus, we forget. One of my very favorite names of God in Scripture is "Jehovah Shammah"...basically, "The Lord Who is Present"; that's what I need to remember more often.)

With that said, here are the lyrics to Kurt Carr's "For Every Mountain."

I've got so much to thank God for
So many wonderful blessings
and so many open doors

A brand new mercy
along with each new day
That's why I praise You
and for this I give You praise

For waking me up this morning
(That's why I praise You)
For starting me on my way
(That's why I praise You)
For letting me see the sunshine of a brand new day(that's why I praise You)

A brand new mercy
along with each new day
That's why I praise You
and for this, I give You praise

You're Jehovah Jireh
(That's why I praise You)
You've been my Provider
(That's why I praise You)
You see so many times You´ve met my needs
So many times You rescued me
(That's why I praise You)

I want to thank You for the blessing
You give to me each day
That's why I praise You
For this I give You praise

For every mountain You brought me over
For every trial you've seen me through
For every blessing
Hallelujah, for this I give You praise.

My challenge to myself every time I hear this song is to be thankful for the mountains He's brought me over... be thankful for the trials...and, of course, for the light, pleasant blessings too. I challenge myself--and you too!--to not miss the huge blessings of God during the dark times. When things happen like cancer...loss...illness...death...struggle... For God is NO LESS GOOD in those times than in the pleasant times. Perhaps one day, I'll remember this; until then, I'm thankful to the TBC choir & orchestra for the reminder yesterday morning.

Click => here to see the always-amazing Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir perform "For Every Mountain." It's about 6:24 long. Enjoy!
bb

p.s. - as it turns out, it's rather difficult for the Powerpoint guy to click the last few slides when the choir is performing this song...seems streaming tears block out a clear view of the computer screen. Or so I hear. *blushing smile*

To End All War

2011-11-11T17:06:00.000-08:00

93 years ago, the "War to End All War" ended on this date. The 11th hour of the 11th day of the 11th month. The guns went silent. That is why Nov. 11 is "Veterans' Day."

Charlie was there, somewhere in western Europe. A handsome doughboy. A cook, and also a sharpshooter due to his very rural upbringing in SE Alabama. He came home & married Mattie.

Their sons & sons-in-law would be in the next "Great" war. George, a son-in-law, served in the south Pacific. Leldon, another son-in-law, serviced planes in Italy. Charles & James, sons, both served in Japan. Charlies & James also served in Korea a few years later.

Some of Charlie & Mattie's grandsons & grandsons-in-law would serve in a distant place called "Vietnam." Another guy named Leo flew fighter planes on multiple tours of duty over Vietnam, and had to write those letters that begin "It is with great regret..." to families of pilots who served under his command.

One grandson, Jim, flew a plane around the north Atlantic chasing Soviet submarines during the 1980s for the U.S. Navy. Meanwhile, back home, a lady named Sandi was an officer in the United States Air Force. Just like her Dad was.

A great-grandson, Jerry, loads bombs on planes now for the USAF.

Friends, relatives, students, & former students serve now or have recently served. Brett, Gary, Lance, Jim, Cathy, David, John, Brian...So many men & women.

Where do they come from? Why do they do it? Why take an oath, put on a uniform, take up weapons, & move to distant places?

Many reasons. They are are diverse as they are many (both the warriors and their reasons!). But what they all share in common is a willingness to put themselves in harm's way because their country asks them to do so. Simple as that. Courage beyond what I've ever had to summon.

Question U.S. foreign policy & those who formulate it. I certainly do!

But DO NOT slam the men & women who wear or have worn the uniform!

To Jim the Navy pilot (my brother), Sandi the former USAF officer (Jim's wife), James the Army Air Corps vet (my Dad), Charles the Army Air Corps & later USAF vet (my Uncle), Marshall the USAF vet (my cousin), Leo the fighter pilot (my step-Dad), Jerry the USAF weapons loader (my nephew), Jimmy the former US Army combat medic (my father-in-law), Charlie the doughboy (my grandfather),...To my friends who stand proudly at Veterans' recognition times at church when their branch of the service is called out...To my classmates who have served & are serving...To my students who have served & are serving...

THANK YOU!

"There's not much I can tell you about this war. It's like all wars, I guess. The undertakers are winning. The politicians talk about the glory of it. The old men talk about the need of it. And the soldiers, well, they just wanna go home."
Jimmy Stewart, in Shenandoah

He shall judge between the nations,
and shall decide disputes for many peoples;
and they shall beat their swords into plowshares,
and their spears into pruning hooks;
nation shall not lift up sword against nation,
neither shall they learn war anymore.
Isaiah 2:4

Amen. Maranatha. Come, Lord Jesus, so they may all come home and learn war no more. Until that day, thank you for raising them up throughout the generations.

To all of you who serve, I am humbled this day & every day to know you, teach you, & be related to you,
Mike

G

2011-11-02T14:48:00.000-07:00

"Those who honor me, I will honor..." 1 Samuel 2:30 (excerpt)

I met him 20 years ago last week, when he moved from McComb, MS to Hattiesburg to take a staff position @ the church I attend.

Gloriously, I'll never be the same.

He has been quietly faithful these past 20 years (and, I'm quite confident, the years before too.). I have learned so very much from him, some by direct teaching & most by just living in his orbit & attending church & sitting on committees & such.

Here are just a few areas where I hope I'm better because of the influence of this remarkable guy:
--Family - one of the great husbands, sons, & fathers I've ever known! His two grown children are very thankful for him, as is his beloved bride, whom he deeply cherishes. Despite a crushing schedule, he hung out every week with his Dad until Dad entered the presence of Jesus.
--Church Membership - From him, I have learned much about what it means to be a faithful church member who supports the mission of the church--and of the Church at large. In the past, I have disagreed on some minor details; I was wrong. And I was NEVER condemned by him.
--Friendship - I think he knows everyone in the greater southeastern U.S., and yet he faithfully keeps up with most of them--us--via phone, visits, Twitter, Facebook,...
--Discipline - He honors the Lord with the totality of his life, mostly by being disciplined about the basics. Time in the Word, worship, prayer,...and amazing schedule management.
--Prayer - He's one of my "prayer Bros," the go-to guys who I turn to regularly to ask them to intercede for me before the throne of grace. And I am just one of *many* whose name & situation is mentioned in his prayers. And always with confidentiality, never engaging in what I call "Baptist gossip"...as in, "we need to pray for ______, because I've heard that s/he's really struggling with ______"
--Ministry - Despite time demands that I cannot imagine, I don't know of anyone more faithful to visit people in the hospitals in the area. Whether members of his church or not! On one occasion, he flew a long way across country to be with a church member's family while the church member had very serious & long surgery.
--Grace - This is probably where I've learned the most from observing this guy. First, there's his very good sermon "Grace Clothes" that I've heard him preach a couple of times, & been challenged mightily both times. Then, there's the reality that on three occasions in the last 20 years, our church has had a pastor leave. Twice under a very serious cloud. At no time did my buddy dishonor the departing pastor by rumor-mongering nor even by sharing the truth. Not one time. (Thankfully, the most recent pastor's "leaving" earlier this year, was NOT under a cloud. But it still imposes a large burden on the Executive Pastor.)
--Trust - in the Gospel, which enables all of the above. I've watched his family go through the death of a beloved son-in-law to leukemia when the son-in-law was all of 33 years old. I've seen my buddy re-orient his entire life in order to help his daughter raise three young children. All the while, continuing to smile & press on in faithful ministry.

Is he a perfect guy? No. Is he a perfect minister? No. Does he make mistakes? Yes. But he's much more of the first two than I, and he makes FAR fewer mistakes than I.

I thank God for leading Gary Shows to Temple Baptist Church 20 years ago. I know of very few who have consistently honored the Lord as consistently & faithfully over a very challenging 20-year period as he. I'm glad he's at my church. I'm even more glad he's my friend. His grandkids named him "G," which is, of course, the perfect name for him. A number of us who are not his grandkids call him that now with the greatest affection.

Thanks, G, for all you do. And selfishly, for all you do & have done for Mike Madaris. Keep pressing on, amigo.

With much love,
Mike

A brief exercise in parallel logic

2011-10-14T15:57:00.000-07:00

I stopped eating, because I got some bad meat one time. Plus, I've heard it's happened a lot of other people.

I quit driving because I got hit by another car. Twice, even! I know lots of people that's happened to.

I stopped having friends, because sometimes people claiming to be friends aren't really.

I stopped listening to music, because I've heard a number of songs & artists that are bad on a epic level.

I stopped going to the beach, because it's rained on me there a couple of times. Plus, there was seaweed on the beach that one time.

I quit going to the oncologist @ M.D. Anderson, because I know a guy who went there & then died.

I disavowed any affiliation with any of my preferred football teams, because I know some others who support them who are jerks.

I stopped learning anything, because I know some well-educated people who are still fools.

(All of the previous nonsensical statements are equally logical as the following one)

I quit going to church because of the actions of some other fellow churchgoers.

(Read that one again. Now one more time slowly. Now go back up to the top & read the previous lines again.)

If you're going to church to find perfect people who always behave well, then (a) you're always going to be mighty disappointed, and (b) you've really missed the basic point, or what my former pastor calls "the big E on the eye chart." A church is a bunch of flawed, imperfect people who are being made over into the image of Jesus Christ. Granted, the makeover process moves along at varying speeds...maddeningly varying for some of us! But it's happening, even when not visibly so. Like when Christians act like jerks in restaurants after Sunday morning church, for example. If you think you've found the perfect church populated by perfect people who always behave well, be careful; they may not be telling you the truth about other things too.

One of my own long-distance mentors that I've never actually met describes himself thus: Who I am:. . . a guy who was made, messed up, and mercifully made over by His grace. . . struggling to live life to His glory in the now but not yet Kingdom of God. . . longing to enter into that glorious time when what originally was will be fully restored. (Click to see Walt Mueller's blog)

That, ladies & gents, is a proper understanding of who we are and what we're about as Christians.

A buddy said this: "If we found a perfect church & joined it, that would make it not perfect any more." A theologian I sometimes agree with & am always challenged by said it this way: "Of course the church is imperfect! That's why they'll let you & me in!" Nailed it. I have nothing further, your honor.

bb

(p.s. to churchgoers: While I firmly believe all of this, PLEASE read the previous entry about "church goer jerks" in tandem with this one!)

(p.p.s. to churchgoers: Again, while I firmly believe all of this, PLEASE don't consider sanctification-in-progress as a license to behave like a jerk. Verily, the world around us is watching.)

(p.s. to non-churchgoers: If you want to know where the "flawed & imperfect folks" section of Temple Baptist is, come sit with me! I'm the heart of it.)

Time

2011-10-10T19:15:00.000-07:00

Aldous Huxley said of time "Well, there seems to be plenty of it." Aldous Huxley also took hallucinogenic drugs regularly. Which probably explains how he was so very wrong on the issue of time's passage.

You see, a couple of weeks ago, I watched her draw her first breath about 2 feet away from where I was standing. At that point, she took my breath away. Not sure I've gotten it back yet. A couple of days later, she was "Daddy's gull"...a little girl with blond hair who like reading and singing and watching Disney movies.

As of today, she's a 21-year-old lady. (OK, she still likes to read & sing, and perhaps to watch a Disney flick now & then....)

She lives with 2 other ladies in a house across town. She's in training to pursue a lifelong idea: cosmetology. She's thoughtful and well-read. Smarter than many...including me. She loves people. (Well, like her Dad, she loves some more than others...*smile*) She loves the beach. She loves to camp. She loves a crowd. She loves live music (including some of the same music I liked when I was her age! E.g., she recently saw Steely Dan in concert & loved it). She's still absolutely gorgeous. Smiles easily. Laughs often.

She's my favorite 20-something lady on the entire globe. My daughter Anne.

And Aldous Huxley was totally wrong. There's not at all plenty of time. It has flown by.

Happy Birthday, Anne! I'm very proud of you, & love you very much!
Dad

Lessons Learned From Water

2011-10-05T18:23:00.000-07:00

As all 3 of my regular readers know, I grew up on/near the beaches, bayous, & bays of NW FL. My thoughts are never far from that part of the world, as much of who I am was shaped down there. Thus, this post that popped into my mind.

Valuable lessons about life & people that I learned in, on, under, & near the water.

--Looks can be deceiving - dangerously strong currents may not be visible on the surface; especially at first glance.
--What's underneath the surface is often very beautiful.
--And sometimes very dangerous. Deadly even.
--Sometimes one should fight the current.
--Other times one should go with the current while using it to one's advantage.
--At all times one should not panic when finding oneself in a current in order to figure out which of the previous ones is the better option.
--Sometimes the best plan is to simply hold one's breath & hang on until the wave passes by.
--Speaking of waves, the same waves that are beautiful from a distance can be quite challenging--even dangerous--up close.
--Those waves, properly engaged, can be a LOT of fun!
--After the thrill/danger of the ride, the waves usually bring you to shore.
--Underneath turbulent waves, you'll find a calm, relaxing place if you dive deep enough.
--Often, people who look capable aren't; nice-looking jocks still drown.
--Often, people who don't look capable are; nerdly-looking wimps survive waves, rip currents, & undertows. (like me, for example)
--For goodness'sake, get the right equipment!
--And the right knowledge.
--Neither of which will be apparent at first glance.

Seems one can learn a lot by being in, on, under, or near the water.

bb

P.E.T. Scans & Kindegarten

2011-09-15T19:57:00.000-07:00

I had a flash of insight this morning. (Or maybe it was just a bad reaction to P.E.T. scan contrast solution. Whichever...)

If smiles show up on a P.E.T., the radiologist reading mine this afternoon saw a couple, because I let this analogy run unencumbered in my mind between naps while I was in the P.E.T. scan machine & also while walking back from MDA. So here goes...

P.E.T. scans are actually very similar to Attending Kindergarten:
--For both, you're given a list of things you can't wear.
--Or eat.
--You can't have coffee right before either one.
--For both, you'll be required to write out a lot of your life story & talk with strangers about all that you've done lately.
--In both, you have to abide by someone else's rules, with NO input from you.
--Both kindergarten & P.E.T. scans include mandatory naps with no talking or moving around allowed during the naps.
--In both kindergarten & P.E.T. scan facilities, the people running the joint use lots of big words & concepts that you don't understand.
--At both, everyone tries to make you more comfy, which is only a little bit successful given that you'd rather be at home playing with the dog.
--Both require getting stuck with needles--before you show up @ kindergarten; after you show up for a P.E.T. scan.
--For both kindergarten and P.E.T. scans, you have to wear a goofy looking name tag with your picture on it.
--At both kindergarten & P.E.T. scan facilities, they bandage up your boo-boos. (Of course, at a P.E.T. scan, they first cause the boo-boos; hopefully this is not true at kindergarten)
--At some point in both kindergarten and in a P.E.T. scan, you'll wish your Mommy would come pick you up & take you to get an Icee.
--For both kindergarten and P.E.T. scans, you're put into rooms with strangers such that you have to talk to them.

So, if you ever find yourself wondering what a P.E.T. scan's like, you can answer, "It's a lot like going to kindergarten." Now you know...*grin*

bb

p.s. - This is what happens when I have a block of time where (a) I'm tired, and (b) I can't do anything except sleep & think about such weirdness...

Take Me Back to Texas...

2011-09-14T07:56:00.000-07:00

It's a fascinating thing--and a great gift & blessing--to be forced to live life in 3-month increments.

As both of my regular readers will know (*wink*), I have to journey out to Houston every three months for another P.E.T. scan & bloodwork. When one has (had?) metastatic melanoma, long-range planning means "until my next P.E.T. scan." This gives one a VERY unique situation, which while crushingly fearsome, is also a great blessing.

The current window of "clean" ends Wednesday when I roll out to Houston for Thursday's scan & bloodwork. Followed, of course, by the latest most-important-Dr.-appt-of-my-life Friday morning to get the results of the scan & bloodwork.

Here's the thing: every single one of us is only around for a short time. The gift & blessing of metastatic melanoma is that I am forced to deal with this reality. (Very Important Note: I am not planning to punch out any time soon, and have had amazingly good treatment/surgery results these 3+ years, and so far have NO indications that the time of my departure is at hand. Don't read more despair here than I intend!)

Do NOT misunderstand: I absolutely HATE metastatic melanoma & its accompanying scans & surgeries & fears & such. But at the same time, I thank God for the great gift of realizing that my days are numbered. Just like everyone else's days. Because realizing that makes me often mindful of Moses' prayer in Psalm 90:12: "So teach us to number our days, that we may gain a heart of wisdom."

"Numbering my days" means some things to me that took me a while to realize:
--I should turn off the cell phone & football game & computer & spend time chatting with my wife.
--And my children.
--And my Mom.
--And my brother.
--And my friends.
--I should be prayerful about & mindful of ministry opportunities the Lord sends my way.
--I should spend time in Praise & Worship & Thanksgiving & in the Word, for those are things that will still be done in Heaven.
--I should be ever mindful that every one of us faces numbered days. We are ALL under a death sentence. Thus, I should endeavor mightily by the grace of God through the power of the Holy Spirit to impact lives for the Gospel's sake and for the eternal sake of others.

Again, the fear that will show up some time this afternoon around, oh, Lake Charles, LA would overpower, but for the grace of God. But that same grace of God keeps the fear at bay (most of the time) between scans. And thus, I'm free to celebrate the days, even while facing the reality that there aren't many of them. For any of us.

Here's the sched for this trip, for your prayers:
Wed, 9/14 - Drive to Houston when class ends ~1:00
Thurs, 9:15 - P.E.T. scan ~ 8-10 a.m. (Prep, mandatory nap,scan itself,...)
Fri, 9/16 - Appt. w/ Dr. Homsi at 9:30 a.m. to get scan results; drive back to H'burg

On the plus side, I'll get to eat LOTS of wonderful Mediterranean food @ Dimassi's, one of our fave restaurants anywhere after the P.E.T. scan. Also Thursday, I'll get to hang out w/ friends I knew when they were in jr. high & high school here in Hburg--now they're married w/ kids & in ministry (I'm getting old! *grin*)

Thankful for your prayers & for the grace of God that helps my "number my days,"
Mike
Romans 15:13

p.s. - I've had this great Jimmy Buffett lyric from "Nautical Wheelers" in my head for a week now: "Everyone here is just more than contented to be living and dying in three-quarter time..." Not sure what that means @ the moment, but I've been humming it & singing it...;-{)}

It's Almost My Time of the Year

2011-09-01T05:22:00.000-07:00

...by which I mean Football Season!! I can't wait!

(Note: I really enjoy watching all sports--with the possible exception of curling, which is easily the most bizarre sports spectacle ever--but there's just something about football that trips my trigger, God help me.)

I love the game. My preference is a smothering, hard-hitting defense combined with a pro-set, power running offense, but I just love the game. I love it at most any level, from NFL to college to HS & jr. high.

But as much as I love football, football season brings out the absolute worst in a considerable portion of society. And it has done so in me as well over the years. I *hope* & *pray* that I've gotten better in recent years..

Precisely NOTHING that matters ultimately will be determined by the actions of a bunch of large, strong, fast, 18- to 23-year-old guys running into each other at high rates of speed for 3-4 hours at a time. (Nor, for that matter, will anything ultimate be determined by the actions of any high-school football players. Or any NFL players) It's a game. A game. A GAME. One that I happen to really enjoy watching live or on TV...but still a game.

To my fellow Christians, I offer the same challenge that I offer myself every year: PLEASE, let's consider the reputation of our Lord & of the Gospel as we move into rabid-cheering time.

An absolutely haunting question that came to me a few years back: Would you rather your team win, or would you rather others become more interested in the teachings of Christ because of how you conduct yourself during football season? (Yeah, I didn't like the question either; haven't been able to get past it though.) EVERY football fan genuinely believes that it's the OTHER school's fans who are jerks, but not "us." With all the love I can muster, I'm telling you: t's "us" too, whomever "us" is for you...

Just so you know: my alma mater, for whose teams I have ferverently cheered since I was a toddler, is once again highly ranked pre-season, & is expected to have a good season. My alma mater's cross-state rival won it all last year, including a great comeback from a serious 2nd-half deficit in my school's stadium. Did I want my team to win? Absolutely! Was I able to congratulate my friends who support that cross-state rival? Yes I was. (I'm making progress...*smile*)

But what about the local school's team, you ask? I've been at every single home game for the past few years, and will be again this year, Lord willing. What about the other two major teams in the state? Been to games at both, and enjoy doing so, & hope to do so again this year.

Here's how the challenge plays out in mmbeachbum's life this coming football season: By the grace of God, I will do no public/online "woofing" if my team wins a particular game, nor whining if they don't. I'm going to be proud of them, win or lose, as I have for as long as I can remember. I will always be proud of the degrees I have from there, which explain why my tag is the "Crimson Tide" tag available in MS. But I'm praying to be able to display grace toward others, win or lose. Excuses & gloating are out. Including the ever-popular "Well, see, they started it...there was that incident back in 1937 (or whenever)...so it's justified." With all the love I can muster: No, it's NOT justified. It's a GAME, for crying out loud!

Also by the grace of God, I will enjoy watching teams other than my alma mater's team (OK, that's pretty easy for a devout lover of the game like myself), and will encourage fans of the other teams as I'm able. FWIW, in my closet right now are shirts & hats from AL (of course), USM, Ole Miss, & MSU. All will be worn as I'm able to attend games at those places this year. And when I go to games at those schools' stadiums, I will enjoy those games and will enjoy the traditions each place has. I will refuse to publicly badmouth anyone's coach, recognizing that every single D1 football coach in America knows more about football than I do. (Or than you do...)

So, it's possible that I've gotten to the point in my spiritual journey where I can cheer for my school's team without cheering against or badmouthing the opponent. I've seen this trait in a couple of friends of mine, and long to have it consistently myself. I'm also going to actively enjoy watching games--including once again the big 3 MS universities--without having to become a jerk for or against any other team. And without having to hammer anyone about their own allegiances. (Yep...I've been hammered about mine for 22 years now since moving to MS; especially so when we won it all a couple of seasons ago. Receiving the verbal abuse isn't fun. But perhaps I'm reaching the point where I will no longer have to fire back. I'm still a work in progress, but there is actual progress...*smile*)

Strap 'em up, boys! It's football season! I can't wait!
bb

p.s. - Alabama's first opponent is Kent State U., which is cool for a couple of reasons. 1) One of Kent St.'s football alums is...*drum roll*...former defensive back Nick Saban, who is now the HC at Alabama. 2) Kent St.'s team has been in Tuscaloosa this week, working alongside Bama's team doing some home rebuilding projects in town from last April's devastating tornado. The two teams worked alongside each other several weeks ago also. THAT, ladies & gents, is FAR more significant & cool than the outcome of Saturday's game!

Basically, he's a freak of nature...

2011-08-31T15:45:00.000-07:00

(A not-very-updated post from 2 years ago. Do you know people who succeed remarkably at pretty much everything they do? Don't you hate people like that? *huge grin* Happy Birthday to my brother Jim, in whose wake I am thrilled to have travelled for these ...*garbled* years! Love you!)
He's a musician. One of the better ones I've ever run across. Can play most anything, but his specialties are keyboard & trombone. He also sings like the great Michael Franks and is a superb arranger & re-arranger of music. Music degree from U. of Miami, one of the best music programs in the country.

He's a pilot. Flew sub chasers for the U.S. Navy for some years (during the bad old days when we & the USSR were aiming nukes @ each other...). Then flew various jets for United Airlines.

He's a project manager. Which means he helps talented, creative people stay on task for the good of the organization. My boss would wish he'd move here & help *me* stay on task, although I'm not so talented nor so creative...

He's a corporate executive. (Which will surely draw a smile from those of us who recall dancing to his music back in the, er, social establishments of NW FL in the 80s, with him on keyboards & vocals dressed...NOT like a corporate executive, let's just say...)

He's a worship leader. He puts his substantial music gifts to work on Sundays as he helps others at his church enter into worship (in some very creative ways, I might add.)

He's an intellectual. One of the keenest intellects anywhere. Took a set of calculus courses in college...as his electives...for his MUSIC PERFORMANCE degree...and made A's in all of them. An inveterate reader of serious writings. History...Philosophy...Political Science...Biography...Theology...Serious Fiction...

He's a loyal friend. To current friends. And to those from 30-40 years ago...

He's a husband & a father. Two biological sons (both now grown & married & productive, contributing members of society), & one adopted daughter (from Siberia!)

He's a minister. Specifically, a servant-minded Stephen minister. Has led that ministry in multiple churches. Has ministered in prisons. Joining him on one of those prison-ministry trips is on my bucket list.

He's a sinner by nature--like all the rest of us--who is gloriously redeemed, which redemption happened in his mid-30s.

He's awesome...

He's my brother Jim. And today's his birthday!

He's not quite two years older than I, which means (a) the bar was set very high for me following two grades behind him, and (b) doors opened for me simply because I was "Jim's little brother." I used to get tired of hearing "Madaris...so are you Jim's little brother?" I used to be an idiot, in other words. I'd say I got the looks, but I didn't even get those, compared to him... ;-{)}
Happy Birthday, Bro! I love you & am proud to be your little brother.
Mike

Katrina, 6 years later...as I thought about it back then...

2011-08-29T16:15:00.000-07:00

This was initially posted August 29, 2009. What turned out to be a minor hurricane just turned out the lights & dumped a bunch of water on VA, MD, NY, NJ, VT (lots of flooding there!), MA, etc. To clarify, a "minor hurricane" is sort of like a "minor surgery"...meaning, "one that doesn't happen to us". Still, I'm grateful that that storm was blunted as it made landfall.

As I've pondered & remembered Katrina, I thought I'd go back to what I posted back in August 05 about it. The following are two of my xanga posts from those days just as I wrote them back then...only the images are new, plus the conclusion at the bottom.

xanga post #1. (at about 4:30 a.m. on the day Katrina came ashore...I woke up through the night to monitor. At the time, I was Director of College Planning & Placement @ PCS, a very good private high school in town.)==========================================
3 The voice of the Lord is over the waters; the God of glory thunders, the Lord, over many waters.
4 The voice of the Lord is powerful; the voice of the Lord is full of majesty.
10 The Lord sits enthroned over the flood;the Lord sits enthroned as king forever.
11 May the Lord give strength to his people! May the Lord bless his people with peace!
Psalm 29:3,4,10,11
I love the picture in v. 10: "enthroned over the flood"...

I'm expecting power to disappear in the not-too-distant future. Know that He is king, and that you are loved & prayed for!

In His Grip,
the beach bum
(xanga post #1 ends)

(See the intersection of I-59 & another couple of major-ish roads right in the midle of this picture? That's Hattiesburg (a.k.a., "The Hub City" because of the confluence of roads). Yeah...we took a beating here too...the eye of the storm passed right near us just a few miles to the west of my house)

xanga post #2. (Written a few days later from Mom's place in Ft. Walton Beach, FL)
==============================================
SoundsKatrina. A pleasant, Eastern-European sounding name. One pictures a pretty young lady at the marketplace.

Or the most devastating natural disaster to hit America since the San Francisco earthquake & fire in the early 1900s.

Here, then, are some of the sounds I’ll always associate with Katrina.
● the sound of gentle, misting rain early Monday morning that belied the fury to come
● the banshee-like cry of 120 mph winds…an eerie, otherworldly, malevolent sound unlike any other
● the swooshing sounds trees make when being whip-sawed back & forth in those same winds
● the cracking sounds of 75-foot trees straining to hold themselves vertical
● the thud those trees make when crashing to the ground after surrendering to the power of the wind
● the incongruously-pleasant ringing of our wind chimes Monday evening with the tail end aftermath of the storm gently breezing its way through the Pine Belt
● being awakened to generators and chainsaws being cranked
● the sound of sausage being cooked over our propane camping stove
● the sound of my neighbor’s well-pump beginning to give up its precious cargo of water
● various neighbors & distantly-located relatives asking “Is everything OK?” after the storm
● increasing concern in Mom’s voice in successive voice messages left during the time in which no phone service was available
● total relief in her voice when I finally reached her Tuesday morning to tell her we were OK
● total defeat in my neighbor’s voice as he described how their camping trailer had been badly damaged when the shed it was stored under collapsed (they were scheduled to head out this week for a month-long camping trip to Montana…)
● the voice of a guy in my Sunday School class to a policeman directing traffic in the middle of highway 98 (because the traffic lights were out): “Hey Buddy…want a Powerade?”
● the sound of a guy’s voice at a gas station in Mexia, AL…some 130 miles or so from Hattiesburg saying “we do have gas, & we are pumping…where are y’all from?” and “do y’all have a place to stay?”
● the relief in Mom’s & my Brother’s voice as both said, “well, I’m glad y’all got out…”
● James saying “it’s like it’s not real!”
● the sound of the shower at Mom’s as I stood under it last night
● the sound of the air conditioner at Mom’s kicking on last night…yeah, I shed a tear…
● the choking up of a WKRG reporter on the MS coast after the storm as she spoke of people coming up & asking her if she had seen loved ones
● the guy’s voice from the MS coast: “I can’t find my wife’s body…the house split in half…I tried to hold on to her…she said ‘you can’t hang on…just take care of the children…’…we’ve got nowhere to go…I’m lost…”
(Note: I’d like everyone who uttered the idiotic sentiment “I wish a hurricane would come here…” or "cool, the hurricane's coming here..." to be required to watch this clip once a day, every day during hurricane season…)

“The Lord sat as king in the flood…”Hallelujah! He still reigns!
the anxious beach bum….who is anxious to hear reports from many a beloved student…know that you are both loved and prayed for!
mm
p.s. – Wednesday, 9/7 – we still don’t have power in H’burg…but James & I have sure cut up many a tree/limb…
p.p.s. – school resumes next Monday…*and the crowd goes wild*
(05 post #2 ends)======================================
(Gulfport is directly south of Hattiesburg)
Even now, 4 years later, as I re-read those, my pulse accelerated and my bp elevated. I had mercifully forgotten the guy from the coast whose wife was swept away from his grip by the water...I had also forgotten the amazing spirit here in south Mississippi and down on the coast. "OK...let's get to work re-building..." (note to anyone not from around here--the rebuilding of the coast is not *near* complete...)
(Hattiesburg is just north of the fourth "S" in "Mississippi" here.)I write this from Mom’s house in Ft. Walton Beach, FL, on a beautiful sunny day as I look out over the lovely Choctawhatchee Bay. I sit in air-conditioned comfort, with a belly full of freshly-cooked breakfast food. I enjoyed the most magnificent shower last night, and slept on freshly laundered sheets. Meanwhile, just a couple hundred miles west, tragedy & human suffering beyond my ability to imagine is going on. Providence smiles and frowns. Definitely smiled on us; definitely frowned on others. His ways are higher than our ways…

I 'spect my nerves will always react a bit when a storm forms & is heading this way...

Thank You, Father, for sparing my home & my family & my neighbors. Thank you for sitting as King in the flood in August, 05...and for sitting as King right now and forever.

Remembering...
bb

Teaching Some Examples

2011-08-21T19:43:00.000-07:00

May my teaching drop as the rain,
my speech distill as the dew,
like gentle rain upon the tender grass,
and like showers upon the herb.
Deuteronomy 32:2

So, another year starts tomorrow, officially. (Note to those of you with real jobs: we teachers think in academic years; I'm well aware that this calendar year started 8 months ago. Which, of course, was right in the middle of last year. *grin*)

Actually, this new year started this past week, with department & university faculty meetings & syllabus deadlines & new employee orientation & student move-in & such. But tomorrow morning at 0800, it's officially on in terms of classes & teaching & such. (WCU's medical school students started a couple of weeks ago; everyone else starts tomorrow)

The verse above is one of my favorite verses on teaching in all of Scripture. It's actually in a section called "The Song of Moses," in which Moses is reminding Israel of their history & of their transgressions. I have it on a small poster right outside my office. Every single time I read it, I'm reminded of those whose teaching "dropped...like gentle rain upon the tender grass" that is Mike Madaris back in the day. Which also reminds me that my own teaching can be harsh & unforgiving, or inspiring & encouraging. My subjects--Finance & Economics--are already challenging; I don't have to become a jerk in order to make them so. Of course, it is also quite possible to err in the other direction by being so generous in teaching & testing & grading that nobody is challenged at all, and therefore doesn't really learn anything. That would be preparing my students for a world that doesn't exist!

Which leads to another of my favorite teaching passages:

...so that we may no longer be children, tossed to and fro by the waves and carried about by every wind of doctrine, by human cunning, by craftiness in deceitful schemes. Rather, speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up in every way into him who is the head, into Christ...
Ephesians 4:14-15

I realize the context there is in specific reference to God's gracious giving of spiritual gifts for building up the church into spiritual maturity. But I don't think I'm doing violence to the text by applying it to my teaching & grading. My students need to know that in the classroom--as in life!--performance matters. (Or should matter.)

One of the great things that several professors at the University of Florida did for me is...give me Ds & Fs, which accurately reflected my performance in their classes. They would've done me a great injustice to have given me As & Bs simply for registering for class & then showing up every now & then with no effort otherwise. Certainly I didn't realize what a great thing they were doing for me at the time...but I'm thankful now that they gave me real grades that really reflected what I had(n't) done in class. Balancing truth & love is not easy, and I rarely get it completely correct; but tomorrow presents another term for me to aim at getting it correct.

New beginnings always lead me back to one of my favorite verses about anything (not just teaching!) in the Bible:

Teach us to number our days
that we may get a heart of wisdom.
Psalm 90:12

Moses said that. Psalm 90 in my Bible is titled "The Prayer of Moses, The Man of God." Great title! The whole of Psalm 90 is just incredible, btw. And in context, this verse follows an awesome (in the true sense) discussion about the wrath of God, along with the brevity of human life. Which, to me, adds "oomph" to the verse. I asked a group of entering freshmen yesterday, "have you ever met a clueless old person?" (Obvious answer: yes!) Then I asked, "Do you want to wind up a clueless old person yourself?" (Obvious answer: no!) So then, let's all be wise stewards of our days. For truly, there are not very many of them, when all is said & done!

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
Romans 12:2

WCU's theme for the year is "Transformed...by the renewing of your mind." Which is from Romans 12:2, another favorite verse of mine. In context: Paul has just finished 11 chapters of some of the heaviest, deepest doctrinal discussion in the Bible. Then, 12:1: "Therefore, do not be conformed to this world...but be transformed..." followed by 5 chapters of unpacking what "Therefore" looks like in application.

I teach Finance & Economics, & not theology. However, part of God's providential provision & leading in the lives of a batch of students for the next 10 weeks is that they sit under Dr. Madaris' teaching. Thus, my teaching is part of God's plan for their lives. Perhaps just to test their faith & discipline (*grin*)...or perhaps to show them they can handle difficult material after all...or perhaps to help them understand a bit of how the world works in reality. Regardless, their goal is to have their minds transformed, and it is a GREAT honor to be part of that process!

Which leads to my last verse I'll quote:

Let no one despise you for your youth, but set the believers an example in speech, in conduct, in love, in faith, in purity...
1 Timothy 4:12

It's popular--mostly because it's so easy, and because us older people are so lazy--to take cheap shots at today's young folks. I *STRONGLY* reject that whole line of thinking. In fact, I personally take great hope in the future, precisely because I'm around some outstanding young men & women all the time. This generation of college students wants to impact the world, and they are quite serious about it! They want to end things like slavery (aside: there are more slaves in the world TODAY than EVER BEFORE...which begs the question, "How'd we baby boomers do @ ending slavery?" *nervous clearing of throat*), poverty, racism,...I love that about them. They inspire me greatly in so many ways. Plus, dadburn it, it's just a lot of fun to hang w/ college students! (Sure, there are some who are, to be kind, not very inspiring...let's call them the "Mike-Madaris-in-college" students. *smile* But they stand out these days precisely because they're so listless.)

So, to all young students: hear the words of Paul to his young apprentice Timothy, who was approximately your age. "Let no one despise you for your youth, but show yourself an example..." People WILL despise you for your youth; show yourself an example anyway! Hard? You bet! The world is full of crusty old people who have forgotten some things: (1) what it's like to be young, (2) what it's like to have hope & optimism, (3) **almost every single significant movement throughout history that has shaped & changed our world has been led mostly by young people** So, go show yourself an example!

But starting this week, "showing yourself an example' begins by coming to class. *grin*

I love my job & can't wait to get into the new term. Tomorrow night, Lisa & I will be at the WCU coffee shop on campus for something called "coffee talk." As near as I can figure, we're discussing some things about life as a student @ WCU with a group of entering students. And soon, we're hoping to re-boot our small group in our home of students from other countries to bat around things slightly more significant than how to calculate the present value of an annuity or the marginal cost of producing the 500,000th widget or what "CAMEL" means to a banker. (hint: has nothing to do with the animal!)

I love my job. It's a new year. Let's get after it!

bb

church goer jerks

2011-08-10T15:55:00.000-07:00

Posted Sunday on Facebook by a friend who's a manager at a local restaurant: (Note: this guy's an actual friend in person; not just a facebook acquaintance.)

Attention all my fellow church goers. Please stop coming to lunch directly after church and acting like jerks to restaurant employees. It makes it extremely hard for me to witness to them! It is very difficult to convince someone that Jesus loves them when you show them zero Christ like love!

I have very little to add. (But I'll keep writing anyway...*smile*)

When we were newlyweds, Lisa worked in a restaurant. I'll skip a bunch of stories to land on the sad conclusion: Nobody wanted to work Sunday lunch, despite the fact that Sunday lunch was the busiest time the restaurant had every week. Why didn't people whose income depends on tips want to work on the busiest time of the week? Two reasons: 1) the folks fresh out of church were typically quite rude, and 2) the folks fresh out of church were--by a long way--the worst tipping crowd all week. And Jesus wept...

Ever wonder why it seems that people outside the church are increasingly hostile to the church? Go back & re-read my friend's remarks above, along with the previous paragraph about Lisa's coworkers.

Which leads me to a few requests of my fellow churchgoers, in addition to my friend's post above:

(1) By all means, be about the business of proclaiming the excellencies of Christ & the majesty of the Gospel!

(1a) Radical Idea: why not go way out of your way to smile & be nice & be helpful to your server & to the cashier & to the person seating you, even if something goes wrong with your order? Especially if something goes wrong with your order even?

(2) Do NOT leave a Gospel tract in lieu of a tip at a restaurant! Don't ever do this, but especially not if you've spent the last hour whining & complaining & being obnoxious to your server.
[Just in case anyone's wondering, I am VERY well aware that the Gospel is of infinitely greater value that a few bucks' tip. But to an unchurched nonbeliever, leaving anything instead of a tip = cheap. Ironically, flinging a Gospel tract at someone who's expecting some $$ can wind up damaging the cause of Christ rather than advancing it.]

(3) Tip generously!!
(Said the one whose wife was in the server biz years ago, and whose daughter is in that biz now)

Now your homework assignment: Go back to the top of this post & reread the part from my friend's facebook post; then let's all change the way we Christians are viewed (justifiably!) by those serving in the food service business, especially on Sundays.

In other words, let's connect the dots between what we sing & pray & hear in church and how we conduct ourselves out in public.

For the sake of the Gospel,
bb

...practice and observe whatever they tell you—but not what they do. For they preach, but do not practice.
Matthew 23:3 (Jesus speaking in condemnation of the very religious priests of his day)

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
1 Corinthians 10:31 (Paul speaking; does "whatever you do" include "eating lunch out on Sundays"?)

Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God. And whatever you do, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him.
Colossians 3:16-17 (Paul speaking. Note the connection between worship/Bible study/etc. and "whatever you do." If your service to & magnification of the Lord ends when you leave church Sunday morning, then with all the love I can muster, you have missed some very significant points about the whole thing!)

It Happened Again...

2011-07-14T14:45:00.000-07:00

For the 2nd consecutive "routine" visit out to MDA, I got to chat w/ a terminally-ill cancer patient.

You should do that sometime. Really, you should.

This was a 60-something lady from Kansas City. Advanced pancreatic cancer, which is usually a get-your-affairs-in-order type diagnosis. And yet...(Wait; I'm getting ahead of myself)

So, I'm downstairs eating bkfst @ the hotel, sitting at a table by myself. This lady & I had sort of tag-teamed the toasters trying to get our muffins toasted. She finishes getting her bkfst, looks around, and thankfully for me, there were no empty tables. She points at a chair opposite me & says "Do you mind?"

We had a *great* visit! Her hubby joined us about halfway through, which added to the chat. Meanwhile, the guy @ the next table says "are you part of the archery tournament?" I said, "No, I'm part of the MDA-patient tournament." The lady acted like that's the funniest thing she's heard in a while; she said "Me too!" As it turns out, the guy & his wife *were* part of the archery tournament, and get this: he's an oncologist out in Washington State! He asked a few questions about MDA, & the lady & I both just sung its praises. He said, "Oh, we have some of their data @ our office & I refer to their info often." We swapped a couple of jokes, including this one from the lady w/ pancreatic cancer: "Any diagnosis is a good diagnosis, because that means you're present to receive it!" We all laughed.

Of course, there was the semi-obligatory comparing of tests & procedures & processes & travel arrangements & such. She said "My Dr. back home tells me I'm just weird. Nobody lives w/ stage IV+ pancreatic cancer 5 years & counting." I said "Yeah, mine here says that I'm living outside the numbers; that metastatic melanoma patients 3 years out are not very many."

A bit more random conversation, & they left to catch the shuttle. As she walked away, she said "You go on living outside the numbers, & I'll go on being weird."

What a GREAT word! I am SO thankful for so many people that I've encountered out here.

BTW, nobody would look at this woman & say "She has a very serious form of cancer that's usually quickly fatal."

So, again my challenge to myself: What exactly is it that consumes our (my!) thoughts & emotions? Idiot drivers nearby on the road? Employers not fully recognizing how totally awesome we are? Our favorite team losing a game or not landing a prized recruit or not winning big enough? A flawed, imperfect spouse? (Best not to stay there very long, as that thinking QUICKLY does a 180. As well it should!) Family that doesn't behave like we want them to behave? How the weather is not in line with your personal preference? Gas prices?

Here's what she was thinking about this morning:
--Wow! They have cranberry juice this morning! I love cranberry juice!
--Neat-o! The waffles are shaped like the state of TX on a map!
--Today's appt., & then we're heading home.
--Honey, I'm so glad you're feeling better today. (Said to her husband. Who does not have cancer. Again, this was said by her to her husband, who does not have cancer.)
--Isn't MDA a great place, populated by great people?
--I don't mind this 100-degree+ heat; all of my treatments have made me much colder by nature.
--It's nice that we don't have to drive ourselves to MDA, isn't it? (Re: hotel shuttle & Houston traffic)

Grab a bit of perspective from a delightful lady who's "weird," won't you? That sense of perspective is precisely why visiting with terminally-ill cancer patients is a good idea...

bb

p.s. - UPDATE: I ran into her later in the day, and she had just been told that she didn't have to come back for 6 months for her next P.E.T. scan!! Trust me, this is some fantastic news...hoping to be told that one day myself.

3 Years ago today...

2011-07-12T06:37:00.000-07:00

...one of the strongest men I've ever known entered eternity.

I was in an ICU room @ MDA undergoing my first round of high-dose immunotheraphy, but had been kept abreast of happenings back here in H'burg via text, email, blogs, & facebook.

He suffered an extensive coughing spell (after-effects of chemotherapy) that resulted in him coding. Medical personnel got him back in terms of a heartbeat, but nothing else. 3 days later, July 12, 2008, his race was declared finished, and victory--ultimate victory--was won over leukemia. He left behind a much-beloved wife, and three very young children that he treasured deeply.

I'll never be the same because of his life's impact on mine. And his family's impact on my life during his battle with leukemia and since his homegoing.

Every Sunday morning, I take my seat behind a computer in church to help with techie stuff. This started when he was in the tech booth; I used to go in there & sit with him, back when it was an actual separate room. (It's not now) Thus, every single Sunday morning, I think of my buddy.

I'm not a poet. Never claimed to be one, & never will. But 3 years ago, I was in ICU @ MDA in Houston experiencing the, er, "joys" of high-dose immunotherapy. It was there that I got the word that my buddy was on life support. "Stunned" is in the right direction, but doesn't capture it. "Devastated"..."Undone"..."Broken"...pick one.

I received word that the time of his departure was at hand. At which point a poem of sorts came pouring forth from my soul. As I said on this day last year, I've written 2 poems in my life. This one, and another for another friend who died tragically.

Before reading (or re-reading) the poem, PLEASE hear these two challenges from my heart:

1) Register to be a bone marrow donor!

My friend was on regular chemo to keep his leukemia at bay until a marrow donor match could be found. Yeah...

As a multi-time metastatic melanoma survivor/patient, I am no longer eligible to be a marrow donor, although I am registered. Are you? The test is not a big deal.

READ THIS AND REGISTER!

(Another friend registered years ago & was a match for a guy out west who had NO HOPE. My friend donated marrow...the recipient is alive & well with no trace of leukemia all these years later. The cost? My friend said his back hurt for a couple of weeks. Worth it? What do you think?? My friend has been flown out to spend family vacations with the guy whose life he saved.)

2) PLZ pray for the wife & kids & parents & brother & extended family today & these next few days as they remember what I shudder to even imagine.

(Now, the poem again. It's appeared here before. Stephanie had her Dad read it @ Jason's funeral; as noted by me previously, I will likely not have an honor that high this side of eternity.)

Giants
Mike Madaris, 7/12/08, on the coronation of my buddy Jason Weathers

Giants still walk the land occasionally.
I know this, because I knew one.
Physically strong and imposing
But that’s not the topic here,
For, he was not fearsome
Unless you lined up opposite him
On a football field
Or tried to throw him into a pool against his will.
Those aside, He got along with everybody.
Literally, everybody, as far as I knew.
Calm of demeanor, yet loved to laugh.
Quiet in personality, yet loved hard rock.
Intelligent, but not desiring to flaunt that.
Private, yet the son of a very public man
And later, married into another very public family.
In the midst of all, he was a giant.

The courtship. She was the only one.
They met when her Dad took a job at the giant’s church.
And his Dad’s. And his Granddad’s.
The realizing came quickly to most.
These two were a match.
They realized it too.
The courtship lasted until they finished college.
And he remained a giant.
Always loving, yet always honoring.
Serving. Cherishing. As it was intended to be.
Both of them Role models. Giants.
Who else marries a giant, but another giant after all?

10 years of marriage. A move to FL.
3 children deeply treasured.
One looks like her mother, yet like Dad in temperament.
One looks like his Dad, yet tempered like his mother.
And one too young to answer these questions
Though she surely looks like her Dad.
Each nurtured. Treasured. Celebrated.
Giants are like that about their offspring.

A servant’s heart.
Toward his lady. Toward his children.
Toward his friends. Toward his Lord.
Church service involved the out of the way
The behind the scenes
The un-glamorous
The invisible.
Sometimes giants stay in the background.
Perhaps that is why so few of us believe in them any more.

The servant heart spilled over into career choice.
Especially poignant to me this week
As I have been greatly served and blessed by multiple nurses
As a patient, the best in that field are wired as servants.
Others-centered. Paycheck almost incidental.
Towering over the rest of us.
Giants.

The dreadful disease with the nasty prognosis
The treatment nearly as nasty
Uncertainty. Doubt. Fear.
In this case, for others more than self
Beloved wife and treasured children.
Parents. Parents-in-law. Brother. Brother-in-law.
Not wanting to burden others with the battle he fought so well.
The larger men among us worry about us like that.

7 months of desperate fighting.
Interspersed with time spent with family and with lesser mortals.
Like me. At Starbucks. Still dreaming of an earthly future that would never be.
Then the end; rather, the beginning.
What, after all, is a last, horrendous week against 30+ years of a towering-above life?
Faith became sight.
Death & disease forever vanquished.
Ultimate Healing. No more illness, no more treatment, no more pain.
“Well Done, good and faithful servant.” The stuff of dreams.
Thankfully, not of legends.
Hopes and dreams realized.
Sin not only defeated, but now utterly removed.
As has been sung, "I can only imagine." He need not imagine any more.
This makes me smile through tears.
Victory won. Decisively. Forever.
It is well…it is well with his soul.
In that land, there are only giants. Now one more.
And this land seems all the more empty.

Jason, my brother, I still miss you very hard on a regular basis. Steph & the kids are doing very well, which would not surprise you. Keep on rocking, dude, there in the land of the eternal "hello." Can't wait until my own faith has become sight, & you & I can laugh together about how leukemia & melanoma are just a bump in the road as we celebrate the incredible grace that has two knuckleheads like us there forever in the presence of the One Who provides that grace.
Love you,
Mike
p.s. - Thanks for continuing to be my friend & hang out with me even after I got old. *grin* (Picturing your own grin & laugh as I type that...thanks for sharing all the laughs & prayers & smiles & tears & great rock music with me!)

The Long Space In Between

2011-07-08T11:24:00.000-07:00

(Written the morning after my most recent scan, before getting the results. Edited for readability 3 wks later on 7/8/11)

What goes through one's mind the morning after a P.E.T. scan & before getting the results? The critical results?

Here are some thoughts I have Friday morning, 6/17, at 10:30 a.m. in my hotel room, 2 hrs before that appointment.

--Anxiety
Not fear per se, but definitely anxiety that mounts as the clock moves. A blend of "What will he say this time?" and "How will I react to whatever he says?"

--Calm
Not to contradict the previous, but there's an amazing calm that comes along with the anxiety. Of course, I attribute this to the overwhelming grace & presence of God, and to His graciously answering the prayers of many friends who are praying even as I write. My favorite name of God in Scripture is Jehovah Shammah as I've mentioned here before. Basically it means "the personal God Who is present."

--Memories
Of the distant past, friends, family, places, etc. And of the recent past: surgery, hospital rooms, etc. Mostly, these fall under the category of things that bring great comfort (even the MDA ones!). Strangely, I smile a lot as memories come. And rest assured, I let them come, and even chase them now & then.

--Regrets
Not all of the memories are wonderful though. Mercifully, these are quickly re-channeled into a wonderful appreciation of grace in the Gospel. "Though your sins are as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow" (etc.)

--Hopes
I'm a bit of a dreamer anyway, and this morning in particular brings up quite a number of hopes for the future. Stay tuned. Be scared. *smile* The future in general gets collapsed into 2 phases: between now & the appointment, which is crystal clear, and afterward, which (mercifully, I think) sort of goes into a fog that I cannot see into very clearly.

--Family
My family is never far from my thoughts, but especially out here. And especially on Father's Day weekend. I'm struck this morning with the overpowering awareness that--as a writer once said--I am the narrow funnel where history & heritage meet legacy. My inherited heritage is so deep & rich that I can hardly take it all in. I pray often that 100 years from now my descendants will be making much of Jesus because of what God did in & through Mike Madaris' life. Aside: I often teter over into the arrogance of thinking "Boy, I hope they make much of me!" But as one of my favorite pastors, Crawford Loritts, says, I'm just a clap between two vast eternities; He is the One of Whom much needs to be made.

--Worship
Always...ALWAYS!...worship seems to just bubble up. PLEASE don't be impressed with Mike's spirituality here! I don't create this worship, nor grit my teeth to do it; it's called forth from me, which is just a marvelous experience. Yesterday, about 5 minutes before boarding the shuttle to MDA for my scan, I was overwhelmed by a couple of hymns that came from my soul. ("At the Cross", especially the verse "Amazing mercy, grace unknown, and love beyond degree!" and "Precious Lord, Take My Hand" of which I prefer the version by Selah.) So, yeah, that was me doing the subtle macho guy tear wipe that we disguise as scratching our face or fixing our hair or something.

There's a brief glimpse into what the long space in between a scan & getting the results of that scan looks like for me.

In about 2.5 months, I'll go back out there & do this all again.

Rejoicing in Jehovah Shammah,
bb

Behind the parades & fireworks...

2011-07-04T20:31:00.000-07:00

6/25/1950 - North Korea invades South Korea. A small conflict in a rather remote corner of the world...

Meanwhile, at a junior college in MS, this handsome young man with blue eyes & a great smile was arriving from Choctaw County in SW Alabama to go to school, and to play football on a pretty good JC team.

I believe it was the following summer that the entire football team--that's the entire team!--dropped out of school & enlisted in the military. They volunteered their services to go take a stand in South Korea because their country thought that was worth doing.

The details of that conflict & the countries who participated's motivations are murky. Which is OK, as this is not a geo-political analysis of that war. Or any war. Today, 61 years later, the Korean war has never officially ended. There's a line of demarcation that's guarded on both sides, and official hostilities have been at a cease-fire for some decades now.

Back to the point of this entry: The young man from Choctaw County & his teammates scattered to various branches of the service & various training centers. He trained to be a combat medic. His training would unfortunately come in quite handy in the months to come in the combat-laden frozen wasteland that was much of the Korean peninsula, ca. the early 1950s.

He survived, thankfully. (I say "thankfully" for reasons that will become clear shortly) Today, he's still a tough guy physically & mentally & emotionally. Courage beyond what I can imagine, both during wartime and since coming home. Worked building airplanes in Mobile, AL, before a hearing problem ended that job for him. Married. Had a couple of children. When the hearing problem kicked into high gear, he moved his family back to Choctaw County. He built the house they live in now on a pretty spot of land that he cleared off to raise cows & have a few horses for fun. His youngest child "helped" him build, since she wasn't in school yet. Ever met a softie who's worked with cows & horses for much of his life? Me neither. I recall going to feed the cows with him some 25 years ago. I'm in my 20s, he's in his 50s...he tossed a big 100-lb sack of feed over each shoulder & away he went. I tried to toss one over one shoulder...didn't go well, & I was actively lifting weights at the time. As I say, he's a tough guy.

I've known him pretty well for around 30 years now.

27 of those as his son-in-law, who married the younger daughter who helped him build the house.

She has the same gorgeous blue eyes as her Daddy, plus the same hard work ethic. She loves the land like he does. She is as close to a Daddy's girl as a tough cattleman/soldier will ever have. This particular cattleman/soldier is just crazy about his grandchildren, who have added a dimension of tenderness to him these last 25 or so years. They, in turn, love their "Papa."

All of that said to say this: it's July 4, a day on which we celebrate our freedoms, as well we should. We honor our military, as we should on a daily basis in my opinion. But my challenge to each of us is to take the time to ask questions along the lines of "so, what was it like?" and then shut up & listen. Or perhaps a step back from that emotional brink would be just to say "thank you" to them.

I listened to some tell their stories on the radio today while driving home; at times, it was rather hard to see. (Must've been rain or fog or something...or something...) One of the radio stories was another guy who was in Korea & as squadron commander ordered his best friend from back home to go do some recon; several months later, the guy found his friend about to die in a Chinese P.O.W. camp. He buried his friend (& fellow P.O.W.) just minutes later on a hillside there in North Korea. Another guy is just back from Iraq a few years back, where he was at the proverbial end of the spear, doing necessary-but-regrettable things outside the wire at night with his unit. Some jackass HS acquaintance said to him shortly after he returned, "So, you're like a certified baby-killer now, huh? What's that like?" (If "jackass" is not the right word, there are others that are more offensive and perhaps more appropriate...)

Papa's Korea stories have unfolded over decades now, in small bits & pieces. They're buried deeply within his memory, locked away until that glorious day when the swords are hammered into plowshares & spears into pruning hooks, at which point the stories will no longer be needed. But they do spill out every now & then. Mostly around Christmas. Especially if Christmas is a cold one. "I remember that Christmas we spent in the field in Korea..." Usually a quick, short piece of a story, occasionally adorned with a picture or the worship bulletin from the Christmas Day service there. Just little glimpses into the unspeakable horrors that we all (understandably) blow past on holidays like July 4. "I remember going around from sleeping bag to sleeping bag in the morning & checking to see who was still alive & who had either frozen to death or suffocated when the snow covered their face"..."See this little guy from the Phillipines in the picture? I've seen him stack up North Koreans like rats using just his bayonet & knife"..."I remember seeing Chinese troops line up across the valley from us & just walk toward our lines, getting mowed down by our fire. They figured we'd run out of bullets before they ran out of soldiers..."

I love the parades & the pageantry of July 4. I'm descended from a long line of patriotic types, in the best sense of the word. And I married into that too. As we shake hands with those who came back & have a moment of silence for those who didn't & as we celebrate victories they won...PLEASE take time to try to listen to them if they'll talk about it. (I know others who won't; I certainly am not going to insist that they go back in their memories to the darkest days of their young lives!) Try to fathom what seeing & experienced things like this small-town boy from Choctaw County AL experienced when he was in Korea does to one's soul & psyche.

I close with this. A pastor I know in small-town north MS told me that when the movie "Saving Private Ryan" came out, he had several of his salt-of-the-earth tough guy farmers with families & homes & such come to his office, & sit just weep about memories they had locked away, never sharing them with anyone. Not even their brides of 50+ years. Seeing "Saving Private Ryan" triggered those memories & brought them to the surface. My pastor friend said, through his & my shared tears, one guy who's a deacon @ his church & a very gentle hard-working farmer shared that every Christmas, every birthday, & every family gathering of any kind brought clearly to mind the faces of German soldiers he killed in Europe in late 1944 & early 1945. Said it always bothered him greatly that those young Germans would never experience marriage or family or owning a home or children or grandchildren...

That, ladies & gents, is so very often what's behind the sober salutes & pinning on of the medals & attendance at the squadron reunions & the faraway stares this weekend.

Thank you, Father, that you raise up men & women who put on a uniform & take an oath & undergo tough training in order to be willing to ship out to places like Normandy...North Africa...Saipan...Iwo Jima...Korea...Viet Nam...Afghanistan...Iraq...Thank you for the freedoms we have, which have NEVER been free. Thank you especially that you've promised that day...that GLORIOUS, AMAZING day...when they will all hammer their swords into plowshares & their spears into pruning hooks & they shall remember war no more. Until then, may we as a nation honor them and be as thankful for them collectively & individually as I am for Jimmy Mixon, "Papa" to me & my children. Grant them all peace, Father.

Gratefully & humbly,
bb

Does Anybody Remember Wonder?

2011-06-27T13:09:00.000-07:00

While waiting to board my plane in Houston to fly home, I grabbed this photo, which sparked this entry. Note first the two little kids farther away against the window to the right of the pole: They were unabashedly amazed at the plane, the guy driving the luggage cart, everything out there. Now notice the older kid close to me: He's a bit more cool, because it's no longer cool to be wide-eyed in wonder at his ripe old age of, what, 10? But he was still a bit excited, albeit in a subdued way.

I totally understand the eagerness to grow up & appear unphased about anything. It's what happens between his age and, say, mine that concerns me.

In the live version of Led Zeppelin's anthem "Stairway to Heaven" there's a point when Robert Plant chimes in with a plaintive cry, "Does anyone remember laughter??" If you know that version, picturing me in my best Robert Plant delivery, and here's my question in this blurb: "Does anyone remember wonder??"

Something happens along the way as we grow older that steadily & systematically removes wonder from our normal range of emotions. We make life coldly rational & academic & intellectual, in the process killing off a healthy sense of wonder. (Reminder: 1) I am a professor who teaches a fairly coldly rational subject--finance; 2) Apart from that, my own default approach to life & its happenings is rational & academic.)

This killing of wonder is to our great detriment, in my opinion.

In the preface to The Lion, The Witch, & The Wardrobe, which introduces us to Narnia & Aslan the Lion & the white witch & an amazing world, C.S. Lewis wrote to this the young lady he wrote the stories for initially: "I suppose by the time I finish writing this, you'll be too old to read fairy tales any more. One day, though, you'll be old enough to read fairy tales again, and then you can read this and tell me what you think." (paraphrased)

So, the question: when do we grow old enough to read fairy tales again? When do we laugh with fauns & listen to beavers? When do we again become amazed that a hunk of metal can fly through the air with a bunch of people inside & come down far away at the location of the pilot's choosing? When do we again marvel at a sunset's beauty? Or the wonder of a night sky filled with stars? When do we stop & ponder the wag of a dog's tail & just smile? When are we allowed to be blown away by the absolute silence of a bike ride in the woods? When can we just stare in open-mouthed amazement at the USM Jazz Band as they perform? When do crepe myrtles blooming get to take our breath away again? When do we start again being absolutely astounded that s/he loves us just like we are? Or for that matter, jaw-droppingly astounded that love exists in the first place?

Consider these words: awesome...wonderful. Those words, like most words in our wonder-starved existence, have become cheapened. We apply them to pizza on a buffett, for crying out loud!

If the whole idea of "wonder" bothers your coldly rational self, I have a scary thought & a challenge for you. The scary thought: Heaven won't be enjoyable for you! The challenge: go read passages like Isaiah 6 & Revelation 19-21 & other Bible passages about heaven. Heaven will be a place of eternal awesome glorious wonder & amazement!

Perhaps our loss of wonder is why we short sell the Gospel if we regard it at all. The Gospel is not a self-help program whereby Jesus is our super-cool friend who helps get us over the bumps life throws at us, while winking at our shortcomings. Nor is the Gospel a political agenda (If you think one has to vote a certain way in order to be a Christian, there's quite a bit of the Book you need to re-read, and quite a number of people you need to meet! But that's another topic for another day...).

No, the Gospel as proclaimed in Scripture is that we were created in the image of & to have a close relationship with an all-knowing, all-powerful, absolutely holy & righteous & just God, Who knows every thought we ever will have & ever action we ever will take. Sin separates us from that close relationship. And He is justly offended by our sin nature & our sinful actions...but amazingly He is also totally loving of us just like we are, in all the muck & mire of our humanity & sins. His justice & righteous & holiness require atonement to be made. Note: God would be absolutely just if there were NO WAY to re-connect with Him & experience forgiveness; the reality that there's one way is infinitely more than we deserve. There's a good starting point for wonder...A totally just God Who is also totally loving. (Aside: Imagine a universe in which God were not just...*shudder*) Thus, the part that's so amazing that we will never get over it & we can only partially comprehend it by grace: "While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." That. Is. Amazingly. Awesome! (in the truest sense of the word)

Essentially, then, the bad news is that we're much worse off than we think we are; start by comparing yourself to total sinless perfection...yeah, me neither. The good news...the INCREDIBLE news!...is beyond our wildest dreams! That incredible news is that you & I are loved right now, just like we are by the One Who hung the stars, and Who pursues us desiring to have that relationship restored with us. So much so that, again, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.

If your life has been reduced to coldly rational intellectualism, please consider this Gospel. Here it is in one verse: "The wages of sin is death, but the free gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 6:23) Amazing grace, indeed!

Perhaps our loss of wonder is why Heaven seems like a boring place to imagine...and why faith seems so child-like, if not childish...and why we feel entitled to be loved...and why we yawn as we stand for Handel's glorious "Hallelujah Chorus"...

Let me leave you with some lyrics that Bill Gaither penned a while back, that just crush me every time I listen:

Worthy the Lamb

Hear the cries of the shackled from the onset of time,
For the chains of defeat, there's no key.
See the tears of the broken, the cries of the slaves,
Is there no one worthy to set us free?

Then the crying is stilled as the chorus rings out,
The shackled released from their chains,
And thousands of voices are swelling the song,
"Worthy the Lamb that was slain!"

Worthy, worthy, worthy the Lamb that was slain (repeat)

And all the archangels, the saints of all time,
Holding their crowns in their hands,
Fall down before Him, joining the song,
"Worthy, worthy the Lamb!"

(repeat chorus)

Do yourself a favor & watch this clip of the Gaither Vocal Band doing the song (5 minutes long). FYI, Bill's the first one who sings, and he himself would say, as a singer he's a very good songwriter. Still, note the emotions he & the other guys have after all these times singing this; note how Marshall Hall is only barely able to get through his verse; note Guy Penrod falling his tall self to his knees. Awesome...(Me? Yeah, I've watched it probably 50 times, & have a perfect record of 0 for 50 in terms of getting all the way through it without an allergy attack...I hope my record stays intact, if anyone's curious.)

Don't lose the wonder!

Amazed,
bb

Update Wed 6/22/11

2011-06-22T16:15:00.000-07:00

--Got on Longleaf Trace yesterday morning for the 1st time in 6 weeks!
OK, so it was just for a 3-mile walk; wasn't for a bike ride...YET. That's coming, but I'm not able just now. I did ride down the driveway & back, which proved conclusively that I'm not ready for a real ride. Still, I'm pretty pumped about being back out there! I'm now all the more eagerly anticipating that next ride.

--Went 24 hrs w/ no pain meds yesterday! Not even an Ibuprofen!
I did take my "regular" Ibuprofen dose ~10 p.m. as I was heading to bed, as I was a bit sore. But that's a pretty significant milestone; 1st 24-hr pd in 5.5 weeks with no pain meds of any kind!

--Slowly getting out & about a bit & doing just a bit more.
Today's "more" was the walk. I'm heading over to WCU in the next few days to do just a little bit of office mgmt. there and to eat w/ some of my colleagues & friends (I use those interchangeably).

--I'm beginning to get pumped about getting back "on the podium" (as my brother calls it).
Which is good, since I'm teaching a class that starts July 5.

--I'm also really digging my "new" car!
I found it on cars.com, we drove up together to check it out, & then while I was in Houston, Lisa killed it & brought it home. *smile* 95 Toyota Camry, with only 50k miles on it. Looks very good, & so far has very few of the glitches one expects when buying a used car. Of course, the most significant improvement of this one over my other one--aside from looking LOTS better--is that this one has a working a/c. Which is pretty significant in the S. MS heat.

--Surgery wound-wise, nearly daily progress.
Less pain (see above about pain meds), and increased usefulness & mobility of my left arm/shoulder. It's actually quite amazing how much you miss being able to use an arm; even the "off" arm (I'm utterly right-handed). Now to re-gain strength. Or better, to wind up with more than I had 6 weeks ago. *laughing*

One of the great blessings of this cancer journey is being the recipient of so many intentional, sacrificial acts of kindness & friendship by so many. Cards, emails, "praying for you"/"rejoicing with you" messages on facebook,...not to mention lawn mowings, meals, & such. Very humbling!

I hope anew that I can soon be the hands & feet of Jesus, as so very many of you have been to us. I'll never be the same. For which I am most grateful.

With great love & thanksgiving,
Mike

p.s. - Got a few other entries percolating; you've been warned. ;-{)}

Drum roll, please! (MDA update, FRIDAY 6/17)

2011-06-17T14:37:00.000-07:00

I'm back in the hotel room now, after this latest most-important-Dr.-appt of my life.

The P.E.T. Scan was clear!!!

(I'd high-five & hug every one, but really am physically unable to do that @ the moment due to post-op limitations. Give yourself one of each from me. *smile*)

What this means:
It means I have another 3 whole months of freedom until the next P.E.T. scan, & until the next most-important-appt-ever. I'd live large, if I weren't so sore. ;-{)}

(aside: I have a whole separate blog post percolating on life in 3-month increments. You've been warned.)

Now, the scan did catch one thing, that has zero to do with any new tumor development. I have a Gore-tex chest wall on my left side now, as of my surgery a month ago yesterday. Well, the P.E.T. scan shows that it's separated slightly from my actual flesh chest wall & left a small space in between. The radiologist reading the scan said this could be simply normal post-op adjustment & movement, but she cautioned to watch for infection. Nobody is worried about this, since I show no signs of infection, and am improving physically (if slowly for my tastes). And again, this has nothing to do with any new tumor development.

Thus, I'm sitting around pondering various punchlines related to my Gore-tex chest wall failing. Here's Jim's first pass, which I like: "Seems your surgeon should've used duct tape or something." And my own: "Should've paid the extra $$ for non-recycled plastic." *laughing*

Anyway, great news today. My step-Dad says let's have about 60 more of these clear quarterly scans. I'd take it!

So now, I leave the hotel ~8, & fly out @ 10, arriving in Jackson ~11:10, where I'll dine with this dashingly handsome & brilliant pharmacist in his last year of pharmacy school, who'll also chauffer me home. Handsome lad, that one.

Thanks so much for all your prayers & encouragement & acts of service, my friends.

With love & thanksgiving,
Mike
2 Corinthians 4:7, 16-18

UPDATE, Thurs, 6/16

2011-06-16T17:50:00.000-07:00

Today was P.E.T. scan & bloodwork day.

Had bkfst ~7, which included a delightful visit w/ a 60-something couple from Kansas. She has pancreatic cancer, which is normally a very bad one. She has had it for...4 YEARS now! She said her Dr. back home refers to her as "weird." I told her I'm "living outside the numbers" acc. to mine here. When they left to catch the shuttle, she said "you stay outside the numbers, & I'll keep being weird." *huge grin*

Back to room to chill & write &read &facebook & such for a couple of hours. Regrettably, those hours did *not* include coffee...water only. All day...water only.

11:00 shuttle to MDA. Bloodwork, which involved filling a couple dozen vials. (OK, it was only 5.)

Obligatory MDA gear shopping trip @ giftshop, & then off to P.E.T. prep/scan.
--IV inserted, & toxic waste injected. ;-{)} (radioactive sugar, which tumors absorb, thus lighting up the scan)
--mandatory 1-hour nap lying still on back (my favorite part of this process)
--actual scan took ~40 minutes

Walked ~3/4 mile from Mays Clinic to main building! (Mostly, to see if I could. Note to all concerned about 100+ degree heat here: the walk is entirely indoors on an air-conditioned skyway.)

Ate the greatest-tasting bag of convenience-store peanuts ever (you know those 50-cent bags of chips by the register? It was one of those, but after 10 hours of water-only, it was *glorious*!), & a cup of coffee (again, water only for 10 hrs.)

Now sitting in hotel room watching U.S. Open reruns with a full belly after the best microwave dinner ever.

I was concerned about being physically able to lie still and to get in position for the scans because of my post-op physical limitations & of pain. Absolutely NO problem! Fell asleep quickly & stayed so for the nap part, & the scan only required minimal movement. Thanks MUCH to all who had prayed about this!

Now to watch the......clock.....move......s l o w l y......until tomorrow's 12:30 appt where I get the results of today's scan & bloodwork. In other words, tomorrow will be the latest most-important-Dr.-appt-of-my-life. I have one of those every three months, & this is the latest one. Prayers most welcome!

With love & hope,
Mike

WED 6/14 UPDATE (7:00 p.m.)

2011-06-15T17:24:00.000-07:00

"So, Mr. Madaris, you are once again cancer-free. Let's stay that way this time..."

(delivered with a big smile)

And with those words, my surgeon for all 4 of my surgeries @ MDA dismissed me again with a big smile earlier this afternoon. *huge grin*

*VERY IMPORTANT CAVEAT!!* "Cancer-free" there means basically that the tumor I had a month ago is gone with good "margins" around it, & the pathology results from that surgery were all good. So, now the prayer & hope is to hear those same words on Friday after tomorrow's P.E.T. scan.

Still, today was a significant appointment. As fond as Lisa & I are of the guy, we hope we never walk into his part of MDA again. *smile*

As a HUGE bonus to today's fun, a childhood & HS friend took a day off & drove up to spend the morning & early afternoon with me. Let me fill in the details of how awesome that is: He left his house ~6:30 a.m., fixed a flat tire, & then drove 80 miles to get here to the hotel. We had bkfst here, & then he drove me to MDA. He hung w/ me there throughout my 2 appointments (!!). He took me to lunch @ a wonderful Cajun/Seafood place. He drove me to the store to pick up a couple of things I needed for the next couple of days, & then walked me back to the room, carrying my few things for me. As he left, he said, "Now if you need anything these next couple of days, call me; I'm only an hour & a half away."

Gotta love servant-minded friendship!!
(I'm grateful to have many servant-minded friends, some of whom are reading this.)

I'm SOOOO thankful & SOOOOO humbled by Jerone's sacrifice today! As best we could figure, we last saw each other in the Fall of 1977 @ a Florida-Auburn football game in Auburn (of all places!). We picked right up where we left off & had a great visit that just blessed my soul.

(BTW, Jerone, while I managed to stay awake all afternoon despite that huge & awesome lunch, I'm still pretty much in the same chair I've been in since you left 4 hours ago...) ;-{)}

Important note to those who see me & know me these days: both Jerone and I are rocking Hawaiian shirts, shirts, & sandals, which proves that you can take the boys off of the beach for many years, but you'll never get the beach off of the boys! *grin*

Thanks for your continued prayers, my friends!
Mike

Details of this week's MDA-related "Fun"

2011-06-13T14:21:00.000-07:00

--Tues 6/14 => Anne Madaris drives me to Jackson; I fly to Houston @ 6:00 p.m. arriving @ 7:20.
(Something called “Business Select” class which sounds impressive! I’m trying to decide how to list it on my resume.)

--Wed 6/15 => Xray @ 10, appt w/ surgeon @ 11:00.
This is the easiest of the 3 days. Xrays will take ~ 2 minutes; appt w/ surgeon (hopefully) not much longer. Shouldn’t be much of an intense-emotion type day.
--Late lunch/hangout w/ HS/childhood buddy who I’ve probably not seen in 35 years (OK, this is not on the official MDA itinerary, but he lives nearby.) ;-{)}

--Thurs. 6/16 => P.E.T. scan + bloodwork (my “regular” followup tests & scans that I do every 3 months)
This is a physically-challenging day, but not an intense-emotion day either. (Well, except for those caused by walking into MDA any day & just seeing the many patients there…see “First Time Here” blog entry, for example) I’ll have to lie on my back still for a couple of hours not in a row; this will be *very* difficult w/ my chest/shoulder pain & shoulder mobility status these days. (Normally, I just catch a nap, including during the scan…)
The real bummer is that I can’t eat or drink anything except water for 6 hrs. prior. Scan is sched’d for 3:30 p.m. On the huge plus side, I’ll get to have breakfast, unlike most scan days.

--Fri 6/17 => appt w/ medical Dr. to get scan/blood results (this is my “main” guy there, & is the guy I see every 3 mos.)
Here’s the potentially intense-emotion day, as this is the 3-mo. appt that reveals the scan results. My Dr.’s going to be out for the next 2 weeks after this day, which means his sched this day could be…interesting. At least I get to eat 2 meals first!

--Sat 6/18 => fly back @ 10:00, arriving @ 11:10 (theoretically) James Madaris meets me @ Jackson airport & drives me to H’burg.
My passenger class this flight is, I think, “find a spot on the tail of the plane, strap in, & try to hang on” as opposed to “Business Select”. (insert cattle noises for those who have flown this class on SW Airlines) *laughing*

Getting from hotel to MDA & back will be done via free hotel shuttle; getting from airport to hotel & back will be via “Super Shuttle” which is a national company offering van rides to/from various airports that I find pretty interesting.

Thanks *so* much to all for your prayers & friendship! Both matter greatly to Lisa & me these past 3 years.

With love, faith, & hope,
Mike

p.s. – one *HUGE* bonus of this particular trip is getting 2 uninterrupted hours with each of my children. I GREATLY treasure such times…

Update, 6/10/11 - 3 Weeks After Surgery

2011-06-11T15:08:00.000-07:00

Bottom line: MUCH slower progress than I had hoped. But as Lisa reminded me a couple of days ago when I was having a bit of a whine-a-thon, I am *way* ahead of where I was after last year's surgery. Which is quite true.

On the plus side, I have now driven a car for three days in a row! It felt mighty good, & was frankly a bit invigorating, as sad as that may sound.)

There are more positives...

--I officially have no more bandages of any kind.
A week ago, we removed the last remaining bandages. Also a significant step. Everything looks good in terms of wound healing. Related aside: ever seen pictures of a shark bite? My surgery site looks like half of a shark bite. But rest easy; there will be zero pics of that part of the journey...*laughing* Another related aside: I now have some plastic ribs. My boss says this makes me "sustainable"...I like it! *smile*

--I've eased off of the pain meds during the day
Well, eased off of the narcotic ones; I still eat lots of Ibuprofen, per Doctor's orders. It hurts, but not so much as to incapacitate me any more. With that said,...

--I'm good for one outing a day...but only one!
Example: Sunday, I taught my Sunday School class, did my techie duties at church, went out to eat at a place we both really like...& then had to take the big pain pill & go deeply to sleep & stay semi-asleep for the rest of the day & evening.

So, I'm out & about a bit here & there, but still not very much.

--I'm getting some great reading done!
Obviously, I have a lot of free time, even after allowing for the reality that I'm asleep for much of it...*sigh* As a read-a-holic, free time means "time to read," which is a good thing. However, since my peak mental times come at varied times & don't last very long, I'm doing a lot of what I call "ADD reading" which means reading bits & pieces here & there. To wit,...

I just finished getting taught by one of the all-time greats, Dr. Howard Hendricks who just retired from Dallas Theological Seminary after decades of incredible teaching. (We've heard him speak during our days on staff w/ Campus Crusade, and he is amazing!) He wrote a little book called Teaching to Change Lives that I've gone through slowly these last couple of weeks. Fantastic read! I'll be going back & pulling out all of the notes I made things I underlined to try to help my SS teaching and my WCU teaching.

I'm also getting some superb one-on-one life coaching by one of the best, Dr. Henry Cloud, via his book The One-Life Solution: Reclaim Your Personal Life While Achieving Greater Professional Success. Loving it! (Aside: I try to read at least one "life management" type book every year; perhaps one year it'll sink in. *grin*)

In addition, I'm reading Predictably Irrational by Dr. Dan Ariely, & having a blast doing so. He teaches behavioral economics, and this book is basically a collection of fascinating empirical results that challenge some of the conventional wisdom of the field. ("Hi, I'm Mike, & I'm a nerd; in fact, I'm an Econ & Finance nerd"..."Hi, Mike! *grin*)

Finally, a couple of days ago, I finished George Tenet's At the Center of the Storm: The CIA During America's Time of Crisis. He was director of the CIA under Presidents Clinton & Bush, and therefore was present for & a key part of some of the most significant foreign policy decisions in America's history. Rise of al Qaeda, 9/11/01, Iraq War beginning, Afghanistan War beginning,...

So, yeah...my reading is varied these days...*huge grin*

--I've walked a few times, though not as frequently nor as far as I wish.
Working on it & making a bit of progress. I'm steeling myself for the possibility of a short bike ride soon; can't wait for that, whenever it happens!

Some Milestones yet to come:
--That first bike ride
--A complete day of staying awake!
(Of course, I've probably reached the point where I could transition from "pain-med-induced naptime" to "old-age-induced naptime"...*laughing)
--A full day of work @ the office
--Followup Scans to come this coming week (see separate entry coming with details.) Prayers most welcome, and SO greatly appreciated!

With love & hope & faith,
Mike

Memorial Day

2011-05-27T18:28:00.000-07:00

From the Revolutionary War through the present:

1,343, 812 killed while in military service.

1,529,230 wounded while in military service.

38,159 MIA while in military service. (starting w/ World War I)

If you are able,
save for them a place
inside of you
and save one backward glance
when you are leaving
for the places they can
no longer go...take one moment to embrace
those gentle heroes
you left behind.Major Michael Davis O'Donnell
1 January 1970
Dak To, Vietnam
On March 24th, 1970, Michael O'Donnell along with crew mates Berman Ganoe, John C. Hosken, Rudy M. Becerra, John Boronski, Gary A. Harned and Jerry L. Pool went Missing In Action.

One day, they will hammer their sords into plowshares and their spears into pruning hooks, and they shall remember war no more. Until then, join me in celebrating the lives & sacrificies of those who never came home. And be thankful for those who did, like, say, the former U.S. Navy pilot I'm hanging out with this afternoon.

Memorial Day? Baloney.

Every day is Memorial Day.

bb

Progress. Progress?

2011-05-27T06:08:00.000-07:00

Here's the latest (Fri, 5/27, 8:00 a.m.)

Noticeable improvement. Still a considerable amount of pain, but visible improvement. And still a long way to go.

I still take 2 different pain meds, staggering them so that I'm taking something every 2 hours. (1's a narcotic; the other is a heavy dose of anti-inflammatory drugs). I *hate* taking lots of pain meds, because I hate the sleep/stupor they put me in. And yet I still have to do so because of pain. *sigh*

One big sign of progress is that I find myself looking @ the clock & getting bummed out as the time for the narcotic one approaches. Earlier in the week, I looked @ the clock in eager anticipation of temporary relief from pain the next dose would bring. Now I look with a heavy sigh, knowing that I still have to take it, and also knowing that it'll put me in that stupor for a while.

I'm still sleeping on the couch out of 2-way fear (hers and mine!) than Lisa or I will roll over in the night & hit my incision. Which would be a whole lot of bad...and would be pretty easy to do.

*Eagerly* anticipating the following, perhaps some day in the not-too-distant future:

--sleeping in my own bed

--NOT having to deal w/ the narcotic stupor

--sitting in a tub & soaking for a while (Progress: I *can* shower now, but no soaking in a bath tub)

--riding my bike

--driving my car

--an entire day of productivity, rather than the occasional minutes of productivity right now

--mowing my lawn (no, really! In the mean time though, I'm *so* thankful to a friend who has told us he'd mow it for as long as we needed)

Speaking of pain-med stupor, um...night night! *sigh*

Thanks for your continued prayers!
With love & hope,
Mike

"First Time Here..."

2011-05-25T20:48:00.000-07:00

I saw it again a couple of months ago when I was last out here.

I totally felt the guy's pain & could relate to what I saw on his face.

I still remember, although from a different perspective.

This time, I was heading out of M.D. Anderson's main clinic to catch the motel shuttle after my "good news" visit, and there he was.

A guy who stepped inside the door for his first-ever visit there.

Like all of us on our first visit, he was absolutely overwhelmed, by which I mean his already worn-to-a-nub circuits were totally overloaded when he stepped inside the door.

There's no describing the depth of feeling and emotion he felt that day.

I know, because I can't describe my own feelings & emotions from that day for me 2.5 years ago. I've tried in this space and many other times in never-published drafts.

Based on my interpretation of what I saw, he was not the patient. She was waiting outside on the bench until he made sure they were in the right place. Conserving her strength for whatever this terrible detour into the deep woods & weeds of their life's journey held.

It was all right there on his face.

"There must be some mistake...cancer--especially the kind that gets one sent to MDA--happens to OTHER families. Not ours..."

"Look at the size of this place! We'll NEVER find the right place"

"I'm the guy; I'm supposed to know how things work. Here, I got NOTHING..."

"Is she gonna die? What happens between now & then? Can that be delayed?"

"My God, my God! Why have you forsaken me??"

Those five thoughts can create a mighty anguished look on the face. I 'spect mine looked that way too in May, 2008. Lisa's too, since she was actually in this guy's shoes as the spouse of the patient. (Aside: it's been said before, but bears repeating: it's WAY easier to be the patient than the spouse of the patient.)

He stopped in front of one of the police guys who happened to be near the door, & just said the one phrase: "First time here..."

He was too stunned to cry or even to talk much at that point. He just looked like a 5-year-old boy who's gotten away from his folks at a huge outdoor event & has no clue what to do nor where to go.

The policeman gently showed him to the concierge station just behind them, where his "process" questions were expertly answered. Which helps a LOT!

But still, the huge, gaping questions remained. Some of which will likely not be answered this side of eternity.

And once again, I wanted to hug a perfect stranger & say "There's hope! 2.5 years ago, I walked in here overwhelmed just like you. Stage IV of a very nasty breed of cancer. And yet, here I am, with no signs of cancer any more."

I didn't do that, nor say that. He was too busy getting directions & learning how the valet parking worked & where the escalators are & where the elevators are & what time the cafeteria closes & where the hospital part is & where the bathrooms are & how to retrieve a daily schedule & how often they'll need her patient ID number & that the coffee shop is right over there & where the regular cafeteria is & which elevator to take to get to the specialists in her type of cancer...

Which, frankly, are more pressing @ the moment than the deep questions cancer calls forth.

So, I prayed for him as he walked by & stepped out & called my brother to celebrate with me on the phone.

Just another day in the life of the tens of thousands of MDA cancer patients & families.

One day, cancer will be no more. Sickness & death will have been utterly & decisive defeated. Perhaps even a cancer vaccine will be developed before that day. Who knows?

But until then, please join me in thanking God for the men & women who work @ MDA, giving their days & energies to eradicating this illness I hate so much. Men & women who enfold every first time patient into the MDA world lovingly & tenderly & with great grace.

And please join me in praying for those who have to walk in & get a patient bracelet, and for their loved ones. Once, for example, I saw a young father & his very young daughter leaving as they talked about Mommy up there in the hospital room..."We'll come back tomorrow, Honey; Mommy needs her rest right now"...That'll break down the bogus "I-never-cry-because-I'm-a-man-&-I'm-strong" thinking in a quick hurry! And it will also do wonders for your prayer life & your gratitude quotient...

God, teach me to number my days, that I may gain a heart of wisdom (Psalm 90:12) Help me be thankful & grace-filled every day that you grant me, for I am already living "outside the numbers" to quote my Dr. Use me, Lord, glorify Your holy Name in me & through me. As the old hymn says, Make me a blessing to someone today. And God, grant grace & endurance to the Drs. & Nurses & Techs & Food Service Workers & Janitors & Security Guards & Welcome-Desk volunteers as they together seek to address this insidious, horrible illness known as cancer. And please, God, grant that same enabling grace & endurance to those whose universe has been rocked by a phone call or a Dr. appt. during which the bad news was received.

Use such things as cancer to make us LONG for that oh-so-glorious day when You Yourself will wipe away every tear from our eyes as sickness and death will be no more. May we be found faithful to magnify Your Name and the glories of the Gospel between now & then.

In the Glorious Grip of His Grace,
BB

Update, 5/23, 9:00 p.m. => Home

2011-05-23T19:02:00.000-07:00

After squeezing an 8-hour drive into 10 hours (because of having to stop & walk), we are home!!

I, of course, had the magic pain pills; therefore the trip did not seem that long at all. (Deep & frequent naps can distort time like that...) Lisa's trip probably seemed a tad bit longer methinks. She had to rely on the ipod, which today featured the teaching of Russell Moore & J.D. Grear, plus the music of Astral Project, among others. (She made it OK)

The post-op recovery continues to go surprisingly well. I've definitely had some significant pain, and will have more before it's over. However, both of us agree that this has been by far the best post-surgery recovery of the four. Even though I'm down more of the rib he took out last year...

So now I basically sit around & try to not move. (Aside: you know how uncomfortable it is to get pinched? Now picture that on the *inside* of the chest wall, with two of your ribs doing the pinching when you move...Hello pain meds!)

Lisa's off tomorrow, which is a great blessing for her. The agenda for the day is to re-patriate some cars & fetch the dogs. Then they & I will lie around & be utterly useless for a few days (I'm really hoping Lisa notices the difference! *huge grin*) while waiting on the incredible blend of God's grace, the wonder that is the human body, and better living through biochemstry to combine such that I'll be able to resume functioning as my usual semi-productive self.

Here are some things I'm *eagerly* looking forward to in the next couple of weeks:
--an actual shower
--washing my hair
--an actual sit-in-the-tub-&-soak bath
--walking farther than the end of my neighbor's yard
--riding my bike (that's a while down the road...see "pinching" analogy above...)
--driving a car (Anne & Lisa will come to eagerly anticipate this one too...)

I go back out to Camp Happyland in about a month for followup stuff. (Watch this space for details as they become known).

THANK YOU *so* much for your prayers & friendship. I deeply cherish the prayers & acts of service & encouraging words we've received through this journey.

With a full, loving, hopeful heart,
Mike
2 Cor:4:16-18

Sunday mornin' coming down...

2011-05-22T05:35:00.000-07:00

(Update, Sun., 5/22, 8:30 a.m.)

--Relatively good night sleep for me last night (within context of a hospital, that is...which is an important clarification!)

--Considerable pain this a.m. I think it's just because I'm about due another batch of pain meds, but it hurts! Related, My left shoulder hurts during these "end-of-pain-med-dose" times. As it turns out, one's shoulder has to be contorted pretty seriously during surgery to get to where my tumor was; bummer!

--Dr. Mehran's resident, Dr. Marks, came by ~7:oo & said Dr. M would be by ~ 9:00 t0 check me again. Then, pull out the IVs & chest drains & color us gone!!

(Important note: based on prior experiences, the leaving process is a VERY slow one. So we will not be out in time to head back to the Burg today. We're planning to spend tonight in a hotel here & then head out tomorrow a.m. for the long drive home)

Even w/ this a.m.'s pain, this has been--by FAR--the easiest recovery yet, including the 2 VATS surgeries in Summer 08, which were much less intense surgeries than this one physically. Praying for that to continue in this next phase.

I'm very eager to have no more IV ports attached; that way, I'll stop catching them on clothes & bedsheets & tables & anything else around every dadburn time I move. *smile*

I'm also very eager to have these 2 chest drains removed. While walking around with two round vials of post-op chest surgery drainage fluids is pretty attractive & all,...the thrill is gone. *grin* (No pics, so rest easy) Once that's done, I'll be able to wear an actual shirt!

Which leads to this: Those who know me well will smile @ this mental image...Lisa had me a Hawaiian shirt custom-made for this occasion with full zippers down both sides! (so we can do wound care stuff) I can't wait to rock it on the ride out of here! Regs do require me to ride out of here on a wheelchair, sadly.

BTW, in the 30 min since I started writing this, the anti-inflammatory has kicked in for the shoulder. *Much* better already!

Hopefully, my next update will be from a hotel here in town.

Thanks SO much for your prayers & friendship & good thoughts! We are most blessed. One of the great things about this journey--really!--is that we see the very best people have to offer, & are reminded of the incomparable value of having friends & being a friend. Thank you for teaching us this anew, & for being the hands & feet of God for us!

With love & hope,
Mike
2 Cor 4:16-18

p.s. - VERY eager to put on the Hawaiian shirt! ;-{)}

Update, Saturday, 5/21, noon

2011-05-21T09:43:00.000-07:00

There's progress. Remember my comment about post-op recovery being a progressive unplugging of tubes & catheters & such? I'm down to one working attachment, & it's being removed in the next few minutes! (Still have 4 separate IV's attached, but they're not wired to anything @ the moment; oh and the fingertip oxygen monitor, but I disconnect that one to go on our walks)

A couple of hrs ago, they turned off & disconnected my epidural pain med pump. @ that point, I switched to oral pain meds. (The epi is still there, but it's not hooked up to anything any more). Assuming that switch continues to go well, we're discharged tomorrow!!!! Will spend tomorrow night here & then head east Mon. a.m.

Thus far, the switch is going well, and this is still the best post-op recovery period I've had. *Much* less pain than last Summer's recovery; much less pain med required, etc. As an added bonus, each of the 3 meals I've had are still on board! (as opposed to the previous three surgeries...*clears throat nervously* *smile*) Plz join me in praying that continues the rest of today + when we get home.

Aside: my surgeon is dept. head of thoracic surgery...da boss. And yet, here he was @ 10:00 on a Saturday morning, checking on me.

Another aside: he said I should be able to ride Short Ribs the bike this week!! (While I'm generally very optimistic, I'm not sure about that one...maybe the following week...*smile*)

FYI, this tumor was a new metastisis, even though it was in the same area as the last one.

TOTALLY UNRELATED PRAYER REQUEST:
My nephew Jamie (Jim's older son) is marrying his sweetie Liz tonight in Nashville (they've been dating since high school; 7 years!). Obviously, we won't be there for the wedding; Jim says we'll "be there for the marriage, if not the wedding," which sentiment I just LOVE. Plz pray for Jamie & Liz as they start their life together. They are great folks; among the many 20-somethings that give me hope for the future. Thanks so much! (and MAN, do I wish I could be there! *sigh*)

Thank you SO VERY MUCH for your prayers & thoughts & love for us! Words fail @ this point, but know that you've been prayed for from room 717 of the thoracic surgery recovery ward of MDA today.

In His Grip,
Mike

Post-Op Report, Friday 5/20/11

2011-05-20T13:24:00.001-07:00

Live, from a room @ M. D. Anderson, it's mmbeachbum with an update at 4:30 p.m. on May 20...

*Huge* difference between this surgery's recovery & last year's recovery so far. This one's going *much* better. Far less pain...much easier to breathe...much easier to walk (I actually walked last night, just a few hrs after surgery!)...much less pain meds required...which means I'm much more coherent (insert your own punchline here *grin*)...already off of post-op oxygen (last year we travelled home w/ oxygen & needed it a few days after arriving in the Burg.)

The big explanation for this: the grace of El Elyon, sovereign God of the universe! (and one of my favorite names of God in Scripture)

The detailed explanation: different approach to pain mgmt this time. I had a epidural pump inserted into my spine very similar to what some ladies have during childbirth. (I was assured beforehand that I'm past child-bearing years, so we felt safe. *chuckle*) This device pumps meds continuously that block nerves; plus, I have an extra pump I can hit as needed to give an extra shot. (I needed it last night & early this morning; haven't needed it since) Use of this particular pain mgmt approach means I need far fewer narcotic type drugs. That's the most likely medical explanation.

Whatever the reason, I'll take it! *smile*

Of course, the bummer is, the pump gets removed when I leave, at which point the pain of getting cut on will likely elevate significantly. But let's not talk about that just now...*another smile*

As an added bonus, post-op pain meds usually have a single-episode of a very impressive effect that I'll not elaborate on much. Let's just say that I'm very pleased that my first real meal at lunch today is...well, still on board. ;-{)}

PRAYER REQUESTS FROM HERE FORWARD:
--continuation of the good post-op recovery
--safe travels back home whenever we get released
(estimate is 3-5 days after surgery; we're ready when it happens & aren't worried about when that is)
--quick & complete recovery once I get back home.
Basically, I'm eager to get back on Short Ribs the bike!
(Due to thoughtful graciousness by my boss & a colleague, I don't have to teach again until July, which frees up a bunch of time to recover fully...hopefully)

--And the Biggie: PLEASE PRAY THAT THIS MELANOMA NEVER COMES BACK AGAIN!
We've had *great* experiences with some amazing Drs. & Nurses & Techs & other patients out here...But I much prefer clean scans that do not require surgery or immunotherapy or chemo or anything like that.

Lisa & I are so humbled & so thankful to be prayed for & served by so many. We'd not have chosen this journey, but we are SO very blessed to have seen the Body of Christ function on our behalf. As nasty as cancer is, I shudder to ponder having to undergo the journey of the last three years without the prayers & love of our friends, some of whom we haven't even met yet.

With love & hope,
Mike
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

Go Time!

2011-05-18T12:50:00.000-07:00

Thursday a.m. (5/19) @ 8:00, we report to MDA for metastatic melanoma surgery #4 since Summer 08. I'll be under the excellent surgical care of Dr. Mehran, who did the other three also.

To my chagrin, this one--like last year's--will require removing part of another rib. Which means (lots) more than a few days of feeling yucky when we get back home. (Last year, I had to re-fill the pain med prescription they sent home with me...yeah...*sigh*)

[Ever known a 50-something-year-old mixed martial arts fighter who's missing parts of multiple ribs? Me neither. So since that career path is out, I s'pose I'll keep on professoring. ;-{)} ]

What's it like the night before metastatic melanoma surgery? What goes through one's mind?

I can't answer for everyone; just me. Bottom line: Very Heavy-Duty stuff! I'm pondering things like pain, my own mortality (as Dr. Mehran says, we should not take surgery lightly!), heaven (how awesome it will be whenever that day comes for me), friends (great ones I have & not-so-great one that I've been at times), being a husband & father (basically, coming to grips that I've not been nearly what I should be as a husband & as a father...and earnestly desiring more chances to love & lead Lisa, James, & Anne...and trusting that God's grace will magnify my efforts far beyond my own abilities), unfinished business, life & ministry impact (or lack thereof at times), the you-gotta-be-kidding-me amazing grace of God that overcomes all of my own sins & shortcomings...

Fairly overpowering stuff, apart from the grace of God, I gotta tell you! (Nearly overpowering *with* the grace of God!) I'm struck that such things should go through our minds at times *other than* the night before surgery...Hmmm...

Gloriously, God gives a greater grace in the form of mental blocking mechanisms & distractions. (Related, I'm VERY thankful for Stu Weber's book Infinite Impact on this trip...I've long loved Stu's writing, & this one's exactly what I needed so far on this trip.) Plus, my Business students will be pleased to hear that our hotel's free newspaper is the Wall St. Journal. Oddly, there seem to be extra copies left @ the end of each day. Strange... ;-{)}

Also, as much of a bummer as another surgery recovery is, a quick glance around MDA--even just around our hotel!--reminds me that as far as cancer journeys go, I am *most* blessed & fortunate! On a fairly regular basis, I'm undone by seeing fellow patients & their families. I rarely cry when I see them...until they pass by, or until a bathroom avails itself, whichever.

**PLEASE PRAY FOR LISA TOMORROW!**

My part's easy; hers is...not easy. I'd *much* rather be the patient than the loved one of the patient!

So our hope is that by this time tomorrow I'm in the warehouse as I call it (recovery room) getting ready to head to our regular hospital room. Our further hope is that by this time next week, we've been back home in H'burg for a couple of days already with me on the mend.

While you're at it, would you please pray that the melanoma doesn't come back in me ever again? I'd *love* for that to be the case, but that, of course is not up to me nor to Dr. Mehran, nor any other Dr. here.

Thanks so much for holding us up & encouraging us through "this light, momentary affliction."

With much love & great hope,
Mike
2 Corinthians 4:16-18

(p.s. - ever seen an xray of a guy missing part of a rib? It's fascinating...would be more so if it weren't an xray of me! *smile*)

p.p.s. for all who insist on lying in the sun and/or on the tanning bed: I have some scars to show you, with more to come tomorrow...and my melanoma showed up over 30 years after I moved away from the beach. And my family does not have a history of melanoma; well, not until me. Effect, meet cause...

Why, God, Why??

2011-05-16T17:00:00.000-07:00

(Some birthday musings I've been pondering lately, coming to you live from Houston & a hotel near M.D. Anderson Cancer Center. Caution: this one's pretty alarmingly transparent; I question God repeatedly in it. You've been warned.)

WHY, GOD, WHY??
...why was I born an American, where there were no police busting up my church's worship services yesterday?

...why was I born into a family that loved me & nurtured me & disciplined me & taught me & encouraged me & provided for me? Why did you allow me to have James E. Madaris & Sarah B. Madaris Hicks as my amazing parents?

...why was I allowed to be John & Martha Benton's grandson and Charlie & Mattie Madaris' grandson?

...why did you give me such an excellent brother who has become such a great friend?

...why did you give me such an oustanding bunch of relatives who love me & encourage me & teach me & challenge me & pray for me & guide me & love me anyway?

...why, oh why, did such a wonderful, beautiful lady fall in love with me & marry me nearly 27 years ago?

...why did you grant me two such amazing children, who are so very different and yet so very much fun to hang out with?

...why did you let me sit under the fantastic preaching of Dr. Tony Merida for four years?

...why did you give me friends from all over the planet?

...why did you redeem me by your grace, despite my many & manifest shortcomings & failures & sins & despite my rebellion against your love, both actively & passively?

...why did you allow me to grow up around the beautiful beaches of NW FL & on the Choctawhatchee Bay?

...why did you give me so many friends growing up, so many of whom are still friends today decades after I moved away from there?

...why did you put me around so many excellent friends in Gainesville, FL despite my own hammerheadedness back then?

...why did you let me attend the University of Alabama, thereby fulfilling a childhood dream?

...why did you put me under the discipling ministry of this veterinarian from Smith County, MS named Johnny Mayfield?

...why did you let me sit under the incredible Bible teaching of this pediatrician from the MS Gulf Coast named Ronnie Kent, who still teaches me & encourages me & prays for me despite my having not been in his class for nearly 20 years?

...why have you given me so many amazing friends from Temple Baptist Church where I've been a member for 21 years? And so many others from the Hattiesburg area where we've lived that same 21 years?

...why do you let me teach some *superb* folks in an adult Bible study class every Sunday morning?

...why did you let a chowderhead like me earn a Ph.D. in Financial Economics and then have some fantastic jobs, including most of all the one I have now at William Carey University, where I'm surrounded by incredible colleagues & awesome students, many of whom become friends?

...why did you let me come under the incredible medical care of Drs. Brett Robbins, Steve Conerly, Greg Owens, Nagen Bellare, & Rick Pecunia in Hattiesburg? And under the incredible medical care of Drs. Homsi & Mehran out here at M.D. Anderson?

...why am I still around three years after stage IV metastatic melanoma reared its ugly head?

...why is my prognosis for this upcoming surgery 3 days from now rather positive?

...why have you allowed me to live 52 years, despite my own foolishness in so many ways through those years?

...why do you magnify yourself through such a vastly inferior dude as myself?

...why, O why, God? Why do you love me so? Why are you so good to a wretch like me?

The M.D. Anderson Schedule for Next Week (in briefer form)

2011-05-14T18:00:00.000-07:00

Here, FYI/FYP, is the sched of the upcoming festivities related to my next surgery:

Sunday 5/15 - Lisa & I drive to Houston after teaching my Sunday School class.

Monday 5/16 - Pre-op scan/test/stick day

Tuesday 5/17 - Dr. appts: 1 w/ surgeon, 1 w/ anesthesia

Wed 5/18 - Off; nothing on the schedule

Thurs 5/19 - Surgery Day!!
Dr. Mehran likes to operate early; my guess is that we'll be @ the hospital ~6:00, w/ surgery to follow shortly after.

**Please pray for Lisa this day.** Hers is--by FAR--the hard part; sitting & waiting & wondering.

Fri & Sat 5/20 & 5/21 - Recovery in Hospital
(Best guess: in the hospital for a couple of days; Lisa can stay with me in the room on a tiny pull-out bed.)

Sun 5/22 - Lounge around in hotel
(again, this is a guess; whenever I get discharged, we'll stay in Houston another day or so to make sure all my systems are turning back on properly)

Mon 5/23 - LONG travel day
(once again, a guess; this assumes I'm out of the hospital Sunday morning) It's long because Lisa has to do all the driving + we have to stop every hour or so to make me walk for clot-avoidance.

We're optimistic here, as are the Drs. Still, it's surgery & anesthesia &, oh yeah...cancer.

Your prayers are, as always, MOST welcome & SO very much appreciated!

With Hope,
Mike
2 Cor 4:16-18

MDA in May (Schedule)

2011-05-03T16:29:00.000-07:00

("MDA in May" doesn't sound nearly as cool as "Memphis in May" or "Jazz Fest" or anything like that...and well it shouldn't!)

Here, FYI/FYP, is the sched of the upcoming festivities related to my next surgery:

Sunday 5/15 - Lisa & I drive to Houston.

Monday 5/16 - Celebrate my birthday in the following manner:
blood specimen collection
Chest Xray
CT Scan of Chest
complete pulmonary function test (which is the worst of these!)

I know you're jealous, but we can't *all* have such wild BDay celebrations as I. Sorry.

(Aside: I'm already looking forward to eating vast quantities of either the Med. Buffett or of Tex Mex. Post-scan gluttony. )

Tuesday 5/17 - 2 key appts: 1 with my surgeon to discuss the results of Monday's tests, and 1 with anesthesia to discuss the preparation & application of the voodoo that they do. It's the appt. w/ the surgeon that will yield the official "go" or "launch delayed" decision btw.

Wed 5/18 -(*best E. Starr delivery*) "Absolutely nuthin...huh" (Zero scheduled items this day; Lisa & I are considering rolling over to TX's version of Gulf beaches, which are not far from Houston.)

Thurs 5/19 - Go Time...Surgery Day!

Dr. Mehran likes to operate early; my guess is that we'll be @ the hospital ~6:00, w/ surgery to follow shortly after.

**Please pray for Lisa this day.** My part's easy: show up, receive anesthesia, & wake up some time later. Lisa's the one who has to watch the clock in the waiting room m o v e S O s l o w l y while waiting on Dr. Mehran to come speak with her. Thanks

I'll probably be in the hospital for a couple of days; Lisa can stay with me in the room on a tiny pull-out bed. Not the most restful sleep time for her, as I seem to get poked & prodded about every 30-60 min. while there. I *love* having her around at all times, but esp. during surgery recovery.

We plan on staying in Houston another day or two after discharge to make sure all of my systems are turning back on properly. Then the long drive home. I say "long" because Lisa will have to drive the whole way. And I'll be drifting suddenly & randomly from full-engaged thinking & talking to stone-cold deep sleep, with virtually no transition & no warning (all depending on what the pain drugs happen to do). Plus, we'll have to stop every hour so I can get out & walk for 10 minutes or so to reduce the risk of bloodclots in my legs. It'll be a long day for Lisa!

We're optimistic here, as are the Drs. Still, it's surgery & anesthesia & oh yeah...cancer. Your prayers are, as always, MOST welcome & SO very much appreciated!

With Hope,
Mike
2 Cor 4:16-18

p.s. - I don't teach until the 2nd half of the summer b/c my thoughtful boss & a gracious colleague made it possible for me. Thus, I'm planning on a bunch of sitting around & reading & watching the pine trees grow & taking care of some left over whittling & such for the first few days after we get home.

Because He...

2011-04-23T05:42:00.000-07:00

Because He emptied Himself of all but love, you can be filled.
Because His body was broken, your life can be whole.
Because His blood was shed, your sin can be forgiven.
Because He submitted to injustice, you can forgive.
Because He finished His Father’s work, your life has worth.
Because He was forsaken, you will never be alone.
Because He was buried, you can be raised.
Because He lives, you don’t have to be afraid.
Because He reached down to you, you don’t have to work your way up to Him.
Because His promises are always true, you can have hope!

Anne Graham Lotz

What Good Friday Means: A Parable

2011-04-22T06:31:00.000-07:00

A young girl grows up on a cherry orchard just above Traverse City, Michigan. Her parents, a bit old-fashioned, tend to overreact to her nose ring, the music she listens to, and the length of her skirts. They ground her a few times, and she seethes inside. “I hate you!” she screams at her father when he knocks on the door of her room after an argument, and that night she acts on a plan she has mentally rehearsed scores of times. She runs away.

She has visited Detroit only once before, on a bus trip with her church youth group to watch the Tigers play. Because newspapers in Traverse City report in lurid detail the gangs, the drugs, and the violence in downtown Detroit, she concludes that is probably the last place her parents will look for her. California, maybe, or Florida, but not Detroit.

Her second day there she meets a man who drives the biggest car she’s ever seen. He offers her a ride, buys her lunch, arranges a place for her to stay. He gives her some pills that make her feel better than she’s ever felt before. She was right all along, she decides: her parents were keeping her from all the fun.

The good life continues for a month, two months, a year. The man with the big car—she calls him “Boss”—teaches her a few things that men like. Since she’s underage, men pay a premium for her. She lives in a penthouse, and orders room service whenever she wants. Occasionally she thinks about the folks back home, but their lives now seem so boring and provincial that she can hardly believe she grew up there.

She has a brief scare when she sees her picture printed on the back of a milk carton with the headline “Have you seen this child?” But by now she has blond hair, and with all the makeup and body-piercing jewelry she wears, nobody would mistake her for a child. Besides, most of her friends are runaways, and nobody squeals in Detroit.

After a year, the first sallow signs of illness appear, and it amazes her how fast the boss turns mean. “These days, we can’t mess around,” he growls, and before she knows it she’s out on the street without a penny to her name. She still turns a couple of tricks a night, but they don’t pay much, and all the money goes to support her habit. When winter blows in she finds herself sleeping on metal grates outside the big department stores. “Sleeping” is the wrong word—a teenage girl at night in downtown Detroit can never relax her guard. Dark bands circle her eyes. Her cough worsens.

One night as she lies awake listening for footsteps, all of a sudden everything about her life looks different. She no longer feels like a woman of the world. She feels like a little girl, lost in a cold and frightening city. She begins to whimper. Her pockets are empty and she’s hungry. She needs a fix. She pulls her legs tight underneath her and shivers under the newspapers she’s piled atop her coat. Something jolts a synapse of memory and a single image fills her mind: of May in Traverse City, when a million cherry trees bloom at once, with her golden retriever dashing through the rows and rows of blossomy trees in chase of a tennis ball.

God, ,why did I leave, she says to herself, and pain stabs at her heart. My dog back home eats better than I do now. She’s sobbing, and she knows in a flash that more than anything else in the world she wants to go home.

Three straight phone calls, three straight connections with the answering machine. She hangs up without leaving a message the first two times, but the third time she says, “Dad, Mom, it’s me. I was wondering about maybe coming home. I’m catching a bus up your way, and it’ll get there about midnight tomorrow. If you’re not there, well, I guess I’ll just stay on the bus until it hits Canada.”

It takes about seven hours for a bus to make all the stops between Detroit and Traverse City, and during that time she realizes the flaws in her plan. What if her parents are out of town and miss the message? Shouldn’t she have waited another day or so until she could talk to them? And even if they are home, they probably wrote her off as dead long ago. She should have given them some time to overcome the shock.

Her thoughts bounce back and forth between those worries and the speech she is preparing for her father. “Dad, I’m so sorry. I know I was wrong. It’s not your fault; it’s all mine. Dad, can you forgive?” She says the words over and over, her throat tightening even as she rehearses them. She hasn’t apologized to anyone in years.

The bus has been driving with lights on since Bay City. Tiny snowflakes hit the pavement rubbed worn by thousands of tires, and the asphalt steams. She’s forgotten how dark it gets at night out here. A deer darts across the road and the bus swerves. Every so often, a billboard. A sign posting the mileage to Traverse City. Oh God.

When the bus finally rolls into the station, its air brakes hissing in protest, the driver announces in a crackly voice over the microphone, “Fifteen minutes, folks. That’s all we have here.” Fifteen minutes to decide her life. She checks herself in a compact mirror, smoothes her hair, and licks the lipstick off her teeth. She looks at the tobacco stains on her fingertips, and wonders if her parents will notice. If they’re there.

She walks into the terminal, not knowing what to expect. Not one of the thousand scenes that have played out in her mind prepares her for what she sees. There, in the concrete-walls-and-plastic-chairs bus terminal in Traverse City, Michigan, stands a group of forty brothers and sisters and great-aunts and uncles and cousins and a grandmother and great-grandmother to boot. They’re all wearing goofy party hats and blowing noise-makers, and taped across the entire wall of the terminal is a computer-generated banner that reads “Welcome Home!”

Out of the crowd of well-wishers breaks her dad. She stares out through the tears quivering in her eyes like hot mercury and begins the memorized, “Dad, I’m sorry. I know…”

He interrupts her. “Hush, child. We’ve got no time for that. No time for apologies. You’ll be late for the party. A banquet’s waiting for you at home.”

Philip Yancey, in What’s So Amazing About Grace? (story based on Luke 15:11-32)

See also Ephesians 2:1-10:
"You were...But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love,..."

Skipping Friday

2011-04-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

We Christians focus on Jesus' life up through roughly the cleansing of the temple, and also on his empty tomb. Both of which are *critical* to His incarnation & the reason for his coming. But to our shame, we minimize events beginning at the last supper & all of the "icky" stuff about crucifixion & abandonment & torture & "why have You forsaken me?" & such. Here's my challenge to myself based on this week; I welcome you joining me in it: spend some serious time pondering Mark 14 & 15. Toss in Isaiah 53 & Psalm 22. Then go to Romans 3. Then wind up at Ephesians 2: 1-10.

Some under-pondered & under-taught things that were vividly on display on that Friday:
--the wrath of God
--the justice of God
--the suffering of Christ, beginning in the Garden well before the crucifixion

Let's ponder them a bit, shall we?

God's wrath & God's justice. Imagine with me a god who does not hate sin & evil. Would such a god be worthy of worship? Nope.

Now ponder with me the God Who is There (to borrow Francis Schaeffer's wonderul description). We like to think of Him as a great big blob of Grandpa-like love...One who excuses everything with a wink and a "don't worry about it". Here's the irony of picturing God that way: on one level, it's true; on another, it's offensive; on yet another, it severely understates God's love.

The Grandpa-God image is true to a point. God's love is not hard for me to grasp, because I'm John Benton's grandson, and John Benton loved me intensely (as he did all of us grandkids!). He lavished time on us & took us to Goodson's store for peanuts & taught us how to crack pecans. I remember one time he killed a snake with his walking stick & his foot, just because one of his grandsons was (is) terribly afraid of snakes. He also took a *deep* satisfaction in watching us grow up to elementary school age & do what boys do. Papa had dreamed of having a bunch of grandsons before there were any of us; I'm grandson #4 of 7, with 3 granddaughters in the bunch as well.

But the Grandpa-God image actually is offensive when taken logically. The image requires a god who winks at & excuses evil. Not just little boys being little boys; willful evil. No justice required, & none expected in this life or in the next. 17 years ago right now, Rwandans were killing each other at a staggering rate (~10,000 per day...for 100 days in a row). The Grandpa-God would at best say "well, I don't like it, but...oh well..." The gas chambers & ovens @ Auschwitz? Excused. The killing fields of Pol Pot? Wink & a smile. Millions dying in Stalin's Gulag? Oh well...it happens...

Aren't you glad we serve a just God? I know I am...

Well, I am when His justice is aimed at "those people" (whoever those people are; clearly someone other than me). When I recall that He is *always* just--even with me!--I get very nervous very quickly.

Two of the most haunting verses in all of Scripture:

For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth...Romans 1:18

But because of your hard and impenitent heart you are storing up wrath for yourself on the day of wrath when God's righteous judgment will be revealed...Romans 2:5

Both of those haunt me. And drive me to devastating grief combined with unfathomable joy as I re-read about events of Good Friday.

The grief part is because God's justice requires Him to deal with sin. My sin. Which is great & deserves destruction.

The unfathomable joy part is from reminding myself from Scripture that He HAS dealt with my sin.

Christ Jesus, who, though he was in the form of God, did not count equality with God a thing to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the form of a servant, being born in the likeness of men. And being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to the point of death, even death on a cross. Philippians 2:5b-8

But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ...Ephesians 2:4-5

And that is both the horror and joy of Good Friday. Jesus drank the cup of God's righteous, just wrath fully & completely for all who are in Christ.

It. Is. Finished!

And that, ladies & gents, is what we meant by "amazing grace." I pray I never, ever get beyond the "But God" there in Ephesians 2:4-5 & the "made Himself nothing" part of Philippians 2:6.

One more thing:
Therefore God has highly exalted him and bestowed on him the name that is above every name, so that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth, and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.
Philippians 2:9-11

He Is Risen!
bb

The 10th Leper

2011-04-07T06:04:00.000-07:00

On the way to Jerusalem he was passing along between Samaria and Galilee. And as he entered a village, he was met by ten lepers...

Wonder why they were hanging out together. Wonder why they came to meet Jesus.

As to the first, my hunch is that shared misery & despair is somehow slightly less miserable. Which, of course, is still true for us today.

As to the second, as lepers, it's quite likely that nobody ever was willing to be "met by 10 lepers." These people were expected to stay away from "regular" "healthy" people. In fact, they were expected to announce their presence from a distance with loud cries & bells & such. "Unclean!" At which point, the other people would steer clear.

...who stood at a distance and lifted up their voices, saying, “Jesus, Master, have mercy on us.”

Put yourself in their shoes. Do you hear the anguish in their cry? In their "standing at a distance"? Can you imagine?

When he saw them he said to them, “Go and show yourselves to the priests.” And as they went they were cleansed.

A rather odd directive, huh? Show yourself to the priests? But what about the illness?? Turns out their biggest need was not to become disease-free after all. (Please re-read that sentence slowly.) Their. biggest. need. was. not. to. become. disease-free. after. all.

Neither was that my biggest need in 2005 (initial cancer diagnosis) & in 2008 (stage IV metastatic melanoma). To be sure, the need for physical healing was all up in my grill then. As it is now, as I face yet another cancer surgery in May. But it was NOT my biggest need, and is not now.

Inner-city Dallas-area pastor Tony Evans once said (paraphrased) "If a man's poor, that's bad. If a man's an addict, that's bad. If a man's hungry, that's bad...But if a man dies without Christ, you just hit him with a blow that he'll never recover from for all of eternity."

This is NOT to minimize the overpowering terrible darkness that is leprosy. (A set of skin diseases that, in that day, were deemed highly contagious & incurable.) There are still leper colonies today, including one over in LA. Of course, stage IV metastatic melanoma is also a dreadful, deadly skin disease that is pretty much considered incurable. One which brings a considerable amount of totally-understandable "Eww, gross!" reactions from folks. Which is why this morning's reading in Luke (note: originally written several weeks back) went straight to my heart... (Important clarification if anyone wonders: I was a believer in the saving grace of Jesus Christ long before I began walking the cancer road. Just so you know.)

Then one of them, when he saw that he was healed, turned back, praising God with a loud voice; and he fell on his face at Jesus' feet, giving him thanks. Now he was a Samaritan.

Note that Luke's account picks up with the lepers enroute to attend to their religious duties. Note also that attending to their religious duties was surely a command that seemed very bizarre & misplaced to them. But they were obedient anyway. (Pause to let this sink in & be applied...They. Were. Obedient. Anyway.) Are we, or does our obedience depend upon the "reasonableness" or "propriety" of the request? Yeah, I didn't like my answer either.

"One of them"...One. Out of ten. What did he do? Turned back to express his thanks. While praising God. (Pause again to let this one sink in & be applied too...)

One more thing: the one was a Samaritan. Which means he was not to be part of "polite society." He was to be considered an outcast. Basically, racism & cultural bias were deeply against him. And yet, (a) he did what was commanded, and (b) he alone was thankful.

Then Jesus answered, “Were not ten cleansed? Where are the nine? Was no one found to return and give praise to God except this foreigner?”

Wonder where the rest—the "proper" people who were religiously observant & accepted by society—were...

...are.

And he said to him, “Rise and go your way; your faith has made you well.” (Bold & italic stuff throughout this post is taken from Luke 17:11-19)

Note that the outcast was commended for his faith. Note that he was told to rise & go his way. Note that all 10 were healed, but only one was commended for his faith. Note further that the 10 were healed before there was any evidence of #10's faith. (Well, except for their initial cries for mercy).

Am I the 10th leper?

Am I the one who turns back to say "Thank you, Jesus, for my healing!"? The one who is commended for great faith? The one who marvels for the rest of his days at his healing?

Or am I one of the 9? The regular, entitled, ungrateful crowd? Am I like so many who, upon receiving miraculous healing, react with something like "Finally! About dadburn time!" Who feel entitled to good health 24/7/365. (entitled based on what, I haven't a clue...) Who never really acknowledge Jehovah Shammah—The Lord Who Heals. Who never say 'Thanks."

Much to ponder in Luke 17.

Join me in pondering, won't you?

And please pray for this blogging leper to be the 10th one & not one of the 9.

Thanks!

The May MDA Festivities (Schedule)

2011-04-02T20:03:00.000-07:00

So, I just got the final sched of my upcoming MDA fund the week after graduation. Gonna be a busy week…*sigh*

Mon 5/16

8:45 – Blood collection

9:10 – Chest XRay

10:50 – Check in for CT Scan (translation: get IV attached)

11:20 – CT Scan of Chest

2:00 – Complete Pulmonary Function Test (translation: “Zero Fun, Sir!” Lots of breathing exercises & such)

(Aside: I can think of THOUSANDS of better ways to celebrate one’s birthday than doing all of this stuff! )

Tues 5/17

1:00 – Meet w/ Surgeon to get results of Monday’s tests (typically a short meeting that's very crucial to the process; this is the official "it's on" meeting)

2:30 – Check in @ Anesthesia Assessment Ctr

2:45 – Anesthesia Assessment (measurements, etc; usually not a biggie)

Wed 5/18

DO NOT GO ANYWHERE NEAR MDA; eat *lots* of good Tex/Mex & seafood; relax/hang out/etc. (OK, none of that’s on the official MDA schedule, but neither is anything else on that schedule. This is always one of the best days on the MDA surgery schedule. *laughing*)

Thurs 5/19

**Scalpel Time** (Dr. Mehran prefers to operate 1^st thing in the a.m. usually; my guess is that we’ll arrive @ 6 a.m.-ish)

THIS IS THE DAY TO PRAY MUCH FOR LISA!

My part is rather easy: just show up & get heavy drugs & go to lala land; SHE is the one who has to sit in the waiting room & watch the clock…m o v e…v e r y…s l o w l y while waiting for her name to be called.

I’ll probably be in the hospital for 2-3 days after (Lisa can stay in the room w/ me on her own tiny foldout bed). These days are basically a progressive un-plugging from various machines & monitors as I make progress. They are *not* the most restful couple of days. Especially not for Lisa. I, of course, will have the magic pain pump hooked up; thus, I'll be OK w/ the distractions. *smile*

Then we will likely stay in a hotel there for another day or two just to make sure all of my systems & wound-healing & such are functioning properly, & then head home. Lisa will have to do all of the driving on the way back, sadly for her. Plus, I’ll have to get out & walk for 10 minutes or so every hour to avoid clotting. Thus, the trip home will probably take 11 or more hours. On the plus side for her, the pain meds make for an entertaining blend of animated conversation + deep sleep with virtually no transition time between the two. Or so I’m told. ;-{)}

The preliminary word—NOT from the surgeon (important clarification!)—is that I’ll probably be more or less out of commission for 7-10 days after surgery. The further prelim word is that this will be much less involved than my last summer’s surgery, which required a couple of months to fully recover. I like the 7-10 day deal much better…J

One more reminder: My medical Dr. is very confident about this one; I’m told the surgeon is too. Therefore, we are too.

Thanks much for all your prayers & acts of service & ministry to us. MAYBE, this will be the last one & the C-word won’t come back, & I can release the prayer time to other causes besides my health situation. (In the mean time, we welcome your prayers!) Lisa & I are most humbled by & MOST grateful for you.

With love & hope,

Mike

2 Corinthians 4:6-8,16-18

Today's P.E.T. Scan News

2011-03-22T14:46:00.000-07:00

The Bottom Line:
Good, but not great. 1 small spot (1.5 cm x 1.3 cm) on upper left chest wall. The spot is "easily accessible & easily resectable" which means, "easy for surgeon to get to & remove."

The Plan:
Thus, I'll be back out here mid-May-ish for yet another go-round w/ my old friend Dr. Mehran the surgeon. Will probably be in hospital a couple of days, w/ another 7-10 days of feeling sort of yucky. The expectation is that this surgery & recovery will be more intense than my 2 VATS surgeries in 08, but less intense than the "Adam's-Rib" surgery of last summer (which had a *long* recovery!).

(Seemingly-Trivial Professional aside: it seems I'm just not destined to become a CFA, as this will be the 3rd consecutive year that I'll be bowing out of CFA II because of either actual medical stuff or threatened medical stuff...*sigh*)

The Reaction:
Hmmm...multiple reactions.

1) Obviously not the news we wanted. But when one has metastatic melanoma, such news is never totally unexpected. (Your takeaway point: USE SUNSCREEN!! *smile*)

2) **VERY IMPORTANT--In fact, this is the *MOST* Important One** God is ABSOLUTELY just as good & just as glorious & just as loving & just as worthy of our praise & of our lives as He was after my last scan which was clean! This circumstance does NOT diminish His goodness in general nor toward Mike Madaris & family in particular. The scan result also does NOT diminish His love in general, nor toward me personally.

Behold, these are but the outskirts of his ways,
and how small a whisper do we hear of him!
But the thunder of his power who can understand?
Job 26:14

3) Dr. Homsi (my medical Oncologist) is very optimistic, as are we, as is the Dr. Mehran the surgeon. Just another bump in the road, Lord willing.

4) It's a reminder that all of us...Every. Single. Person....is, in the words of a dear friend, living in rented apartment space that's wearing out all around us.

5) I have no sense that the time of my departure is at hand. Nor do any of the Drs. involved. (The time of that departure is not ultimately in the hands of anyone @ M.D. Anderson, btw.)

6) A reminder of the importance of prayer.

7) Ditto theology.

8) Ditto praise.

Summing up, I'm convinced that I'm alive today because God providentially led me to MDA/Dr. Homsi/Dr. Hwu/Dr. Mehran. Lisa & I have total confidence in their skills (specifically in Dr. Mehran's as a surgeon @ the moment).

With all of that said, you're a praying type, Lisa & I would welcome your prayers. James & Anne too. And don't forget my Mom & her husband, & my brother & his family.

"Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone and live so all might see the strength to follow Your commands could never come from me. Oh Father, use my ransomed life in any way You choose, and let my song forever be, 'My only boast is You.'" (a *great* song line; a much more difficult prayer goal for me personally right now)

With much love, & a thankful heart, & great hope,
Mike

Singing the Gospel to Myself

2011-03-21T20:45:00.000-07:00

So, what does one think about when walking to M.D. Anderson for bloodwork & a P.E.T. scan? I'll answer for me: I was singing the two songs below. Please do NOT be impressed with my piety & righteousness. Remember in the previous post where I mentioned my fear? Yeah…singing these songs to myself was me dealing w/ my fear. As my beloved friend & pastor Tony Merida reminds us often, I was “preaching the Gospel to myself". Only in song form, which works very well (as Tony also says). Songs are theology that we can take home. Or into the waiting rooms & scan rooms & Dr. offices of MDA, whichever.

Actually, I was just singing the chorus of the first one over & over. I also sang what I could remember of the second one. The first one is one of Lisa's & my favorite hymns (just written a couple of years ago, btw). Incredible words, & yet another one that tells my own story. We sang it just this past Sunday in church (thanks Paul & choir & orchestra!). Read the words s l o w l y for they are incredibly rich. And VERY timely for me today. I 'spect I'll be singing it again tomorrow too.

ALL I HAVE IS CHRIST
I once was lost in darkest night
Yet thought I knew the way
The sin that promised joy and life
Had led me to the grave
I had no hope that You would own
A rebel to Your will
And if You had not loved me first
I would refuse You still

But as I ran my hell-bound race
Indifferent to the cost
You looked upon my helpless state
And led me to the cross
And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

Now, Lord, I would be Yours alone
And live so all might see
The strength to follow Your commands
Could never come from me
Oh Father, use my ransomed life
In any way You choose
And let my song forever be
My only boast is You

Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life

Here's a link to a video of the song from a conference a couple of years ago. 6 minutes long; enjoy! (I'll be the one singing along with you...*smile*)

This second one is a long-time fave of mine. Simple, yet powerful words, set to BEAUTIFUL music. In a remarkable "coincidence" (not), my Bible reading plan had me in Psalm 80 this morning. Psalm 80 has these words three times:

Restore us, O God of hosts; let your face shine, that we may be saved!

Again, a very timely word for me today. And that word took me once again to PCD's beautiful song. I wasn't in "the darkest night" but I definitely have been there inside of MDA, and many others were there today.

SHINE ON US– performed by Phillips, Craig, & Dean
Lord, let your light, Light of your face shine on us
Lord, let your light, Light of your face shine on us
That we may be saved; that we may have life
To find our way in the darkest night
Let your light shine on us

Lord let your grace, grace from your hand fall on us
Lord let your grace, grace from your hand fall on us
That we, may be saved; that we, may have life
To find our way in the darkest night
Let your grace fall on us

Lord let your love, love with no end come over us
Lord let your love, love with no end come over us
That we may be saved; That we, may have life
To find our way in the darkest night
Let your love come over us

And here's a link to a video of this one. (The video is time lapse images with the original song playing.) I just *love* how they add a voice of harmony on each of the verses.) Enjoy this one too! (Again, I'll be the one singing along.)

Please pray for us tomorrow. My appointment w/ Dr. Homsi is at 1:30. The clock...is..... already........slowing..........down.....(or so it seems).

Thanks SO MUCH for your prayers. As I told a friend today, I will never again downplay the significance of the phrase "praying for you." It is so very humbling to know that my family & I are being mentioned in the throneroom of Glory by so many of you.

Humbled, Thankful, & Hopeful,
Mike

Off to MDA again...Prayers MOST Welcome!

2011-03-18T19:47:00.000-07:00

The plane ticket is reserved. The motel room is reserved. The Super Shuttle from the airport to the motel & back is reserved. The leaving time from James' apt. in Jackson to the airport is decided. A piece of couch @ James' place in Jackson is reserved on the way back to keep from having to drive home late. The appts. for the scans, bloodwork, & the latest most-important-Dr.-appt-in-my-life are set.

Now it's time to wait. And pray. And pray some more. And ask my friends & acquaintances to pray. Again.

Sunday afternoon (3/20) I'll drive up to Jackson & drop my car @ James' apt. He'll run me over to the airport for my evening flight to Hobby Airport. (Flying is a new wrinkle to the MDA runs...with gas prices going ever upward, I'll wind up getting there & back for roughly the same price, and will do so without the 16-17 hrs. of driving time as an added bonus. Flying also adds the new transportation wrinkle of something called "Super Shuttle" that'll take me from airport to the motel & back.)

Monday (3/21), I'll either ride a shuttle or walk to MDA (depending on motivation) for a fun-filled day. Bloodwork & P.E.T. scan. The real bummer is, no food nor coffee until after the scan is over. Do-able, but I'm not happy about it. *smile*

Tuesday (3/22) is the all-important appt. w/ Dr. Homsi to get the results of Monday's scan. An easy day physically. The most stressful day mentally & emotionally by a long way...My BP is managed between meds & Short Ribs the bicycle. But the meds & the biking fall well short of keeping the BP down on P.E.T. scan results day. *sigh* I fly back to Jackson Tuesday night, & will drive back to H'burg Wed. a.m.

Emotions? Yep.

Fears? Yep. (Sorry to disappoint anyone with that confession.)

Faith despite the previous two? Absolutely!!

That faith is what pulls me through the emotions & fears & keeps me looking ahead with ultimate hope.

Trips back to MDA always draw me back to Paul's words in 2 Cor. 4:6-8 & 16-18 (which have become my life verses & life goals over these past couple of years; the last time I got to preach a sermon, this was my text)

For God, who said, “Let light shine out of darkness,” has shone in our hearts to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in jars of clay, to show that the surpassing power belongs to God and not to us. We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair...So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

Trips back to MDA also draw me back to Moses' words in Psalm 90:1-3 & 12-17. (One of the wisest men I know quote a good portion of this in prayer when he turned 50 some years ago at one of the most moving & significant birthday celebrations I've ever experienced. I've been captivated by the Psalm since then.)

Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God. You return man to dust and say, “Return, O children of man!”...So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom. Return, O Lord! How long? Have pity on your servants! Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days. Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us, and for as many years as we have seen evil. Let your work be shown to your servants, and your glorious power to their children. Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!

MDA trips also draw me back to Isaiah's words in Isaiah 41:9-10 & 43:1-3a, 10-11. (At my first appt. w/ my local oncologist--who was already a friend--he shared some of these verses with me while telling me, "I am merely a tool in the hands of Almighty God; the outcome of your cancer journey is not ultimately in my hands, but His. Here are some verses I share with all of my patients at the first appointment." Easily one of the most awesome Dr. appts. I've ever had, in the true sense of the word "awesome" as in, "struck with awe.")

You whom I took from the ends of the earth, and called from its farthest corners, saying to you, “You are my servant, I have chosen you and not cast you off; fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand...For I, the Lord your God, hold your right hand; it is I who say to you, 'Fear not, I am the one who helps you.'”...
But now thus says the Lord, he who created you...he who formed you...“Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have called you by name, you are mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you; when you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you. For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior..."You are my witnesses,” declares the Lord, “and my servant whom I have chosen, that you may know and believe me and understand that I am he. Before me no god was formed, nor shall there be any after me. I, I am the Lord, and besides me there is no savior."

Thank you SO much for praying for us! ("Us" is the key word; I strongly believe that it's FAR easier to be the patient than to be the loved one of the patient. Thank you for praying for Lisa too! Likewise, the children of the patient...Thank you for praying for James & Anne as well) Would you do it again these next couple of days?

I have no reason to expect bad results. But melanoma is a nasty cancer that is always prone to come back (like mine did). I know that the God of the universe, Who created it all & Who upholds it by the word of his power, Who sees the end from the beginning, Who is outside of time yet is involved in time, Who has gloriously redeemed me & is transforming me into the image of His Son, my Savior...I know that He is well aware of all of the ins & outs of metastatic melanoma & that He is well aware of all the fits & starts & many flaws of Mike Madaris & that He knows with absolutely certainty what the P.E.T. scan will show Monday & what Dr. Homsi will tell me Tuesday.

Here's one more reality check: last Fall, a HS classmate of mine went in for her followup P.E.T. scan. It didn't go well. She went to MDA for surgery in December. Her funeral was this morning. She leaves behind a husband & two sons. THAT is the reality of cancer for so many; I am already a very extreme outlier statistically.

Thanks again for praying!
With love, humility, faith, & hope,
Mike

p.s. - for those who are interested, I'll be "live-tweeting" this trip on my Twitter feed (@mmbeachbum), including, of course, the results of Tuesday's appt. Caution: trips to MDA evoke a rather odd & borderline inappropriate sense of humor in me as a fun coping mechanism. You've been warned! *grin*

Our New Small Group

2011-03-13T14:26:00.000-07:00

On Sunday evenings this Spring, some 8-10 college students & a couple of recent grads venture over to join us @ the house for our 1st college small group meeting in way too long. Well, except for last night when 100% of the car owners in the group was out of town...

Lisa & I are VERY excited about it! We have dearly treasured small groups & the friendships made there in the past. And thus, we are very much enjoying this group too.

Our official material for this group is a blend of (a) The Bible, and (b) Business for the Glory of God: The Bible's Teaching on the Moral Goodness of Business, by Wayne Grudem. (Take a wild guess where I met the folks in our group...*smile*)

It will surprise nobody who's read me for very long that I am a huge fan of Dr. Wayne Grudem's teaching. A major theologian with a great heart for ministry; great combo! Dr. Grudem's undergrad degree is in Economics from Harvard. (His Ph.D. is from Cambridge...which means he has graduated from schools that I'm barely qualified to drive past!) This particular book of his is from a life-long passion he has to see faith integrated into the Business world (a passion shared by me as a Business School professor). Note the subtitle above: "on the moral goodness of Business"...It's his thesis--and mine!--that the business disciplines & practices are in & of themselves morally GOOD according to the clear teaching of Scripture. They are not just morally neutral, and are definitely not morally bad...morally good. (Although certainly--as Dr. Grudem notes--the various aspects of Business offer serious temptations to sin)

And thus, our small group of students who are/were students in Business at my university. They're *great* folks; the kind who continue to give me hope for the future. (Aside: I've said it before, & will again...anyone who totally despairs of the future needs to meet more college students!)

But here's the kicker for this group that just delights me to no end: every single one of them grew up somewhere else besides North America. Rwanda, Nigeria, Zimbabwe, Russia, Sweden...I've never led a small group like that before, and we are just *loving* it! I am SO thankful for God's providence in my job, that places such great students in my path who are fun to hang out with & who are in a perfect place to try to sort through how their faith intersects their career paths.

Loving God's Providence @ the moment,
bb

(p.s. - Just a short one this time. You're welcome. But be forewarned; the muse has shown up a *lot* recently. You should see the "drafts" folder here. *smile*)

A Heart of Wisdom (for Gary)

2011-03-05T05:52:00.000-08:00

(A re-post from last year; in case you missed it.)

You ever know someone that's nearly perfect?

Someone that everyone gets along with?
Someone who has quietly succeeded in a career without fanfare?
Someone who's a role model for many?
Who pours himself out in service to others, again without fanfare?
Whose face always has a smile on it and is quick to laugh?
Who seeks the good in everyone and who never feels compelled to judge nor to air out dirty laundry about people?

I know such a guy.
Even better, I'm related to him.
Better still, I grew up alongside him.
Even better (well, for me...) I got to room with him in college.

My cousin Gary had a birthday last week. One of those big, change-the-first-digit birthdays...that results in lots of cards & letters from the AARP. I'd mock him, but I had that same birthday last year...

Gary is who I want to be when I grow up, even though I'm 9 months older than he. He's really quite a guy, and has always been quite a guy. Even-keeled...a man with strong convictions who is still friendly with those who don't share those convictions...everybody's friend.

He's an absolute bedrock type guy in our home church where he & his family are members. Serves on all kinds of committees, because he's known as a behind-the-scenes worker bee. Every church needs guys like Gary. Lots of guys like Gary.

But much more, every guy--especially every deeply flawed guy like me--needs guys like Gary as friends. If relatives and friends, well, so much the better. And if relatives and friends and roommates,...that's almost too good!

I moved into an apt. with Gary when I transferred to the U. of Alabama after flaming out in my first attempt at college. Worse for him, I didn't just move into an apt...I moved into his room in the apt.! I'm a knucklehead now, but I was a HUGE knucklehead back then. And yet, Gary showed me nothing but loving grace and patience.

I recently wrote about a couple of Sunday School teachers who matter greatly to me. Well, Gary is not a teacher to me, but rather, an up-close role model & example to me. Those who know my story may connect that I was pretty chapped at God & at life when I arrived @ Bama. In His gracious providence, God moved me in with someone who had experienced the same tragic loss I had...and his Dad died younger than mine at an earlier stage of Gary's life than when my Dad died...and yet, there was Gary, living out a settled, joyful faith in that same God I was so furious about and Whom I so strongly doubted.

I have laughed & said that Gary helped me come to know the Lord and helped me meet my wife, but other than that, he hasn't been all that important to me...*huge grin* Well, both are totally true. In addition, Gary helped me get back on course when our orbits coincided again there in Tuscaloosa.

He never preached to me nor at me...but he lived life before me. There are far too many these days who preach at without living life before. Their message tends to fall on deaf ears.

A word that's in far-too-short supply these days applies: HONOR. Gary honored his mother (who, incidentally, is another hero of mine), and he honored his friends, and he honored his pastor, and he honored his future wife. Most of all, he lived a life that honored his Lord. Our Lord.

And I took note.

And my taking note bore fruit down the road. I trust it still bears fruit today!

So, whenever you pay a tax in Okaloosa County, FL (think "Destin"), that tax will funnel through the county finance office. Which is run by this great guy who graduated from Alabama in accounting, despite having this hammerheaded roommate that he was related to gumming up the works...and which hammerheaded roommate is now oh-so-grateful for what he saw of God's grace lived out on a daily basis in the accounting dude's life. That same grace-filled life is now lived before the locals there back home and in First Baptist Church of Ft. Walton Beach, and is still planting seeds in the lives of teenagers and adults, who may not even realize just how grateful they are to see that life lived out before them.

Gary will be terribly embarrassed at this, for he prefers to be unnoticed & behind the scenes. But his life & faith matter so very greatly to my own life & faith, that I can't not write about him.

Happy Belated Birthday, Cuz! Love you very much. And thanks! As the song says, "Thank you...I am a life that was changed..."

Mike

(Some verses that come to mind about Gary...)
I thank my God through Jesus Christ for all of you, because your faith is proclaimed in all the world.
Romans 1:8

I give thanks to my God always for you because of the grace of God that was given you in Christ Jesus...
1 Corinthians 1:4

I thank my God in all my remembrance of you
Philippians 1:3

I thank my God always when I remember you in my prayers, because I hear of your love and of the faith that you have toward the Lord Jesus and for all the saints...For I have derived much joy and comfort from your love, my brother, because the hearts of the saints have been refreshed through you.
Philemon 1:4,5,7

p.s. - Ironically, Gary's Mom & my Mom were also roommates at Alabama before they were sisters-in-law...I've always thought this was very cool that 2 generations were roomies there. But that's another story for another day...

Like Swallows Returning to Capistrano...

2011-02-16T19:39:00.000-08:00

(FYI, not much writing here; lots of pics tho, so freshen up your coffee! *smile*)

So, this past Valentine's Day was the 30th anniversary of my first date with this beautiful Bama coed with gorgeous blue eyes. Just a little over 3 years later, we put rings on each other's fingers, and the rest, as they say, is history.

Even I, a relationally-challenged male (pardon the redundancy there), recognized that this was a biggie. In discussing what to do for the anniversary, here's what my Bama coed said: "Let's ride up to Tuscaloosa & poke around campus & eat some Dreamland ribs." I thought long & hard about this for 2, maybe 3 nano-seconds.

Private tour of Bryant-Denny Stadium? Check! (Including seeing the places where people who live in *vastly* different financial worlds than I sit to watch games...)

In our days @ UA, it seated 60-something thousand folks. Now it's 101,000+.

We like our football history @ Bama. Even the concession stands tell some history.

Despite the huge size, massive muscles, & obvious youthful blazing speed,

this is NOT one of Coach Saban's stud players. It's me, silly!

"Simply put, football is eyes, movement, and contact." Paul W. Bryant

The locker room. I was VERY fired up & ready to go out on the field & hit someone after
walking around in here. Instead, we went to eat...which is not exactly the same thing.

DT...still one of the best ever in both college and the pros. R.I.P. #55.

I love what they've done to the lockers. This was Mark Ingram's locker; my childhood hero Johnny Musso, the original Italian Stallion, also wore #22.

Once more, Greg McElroy's Mom was in HS with me.

Joe Namath & Kenny Stabler were All-Americans who also wore #12.

Julio Jones' locker. Despite standing here & staring a couple of minutes,
I'm neither taller nor faster. Strange...

Where the incredibly rich folk sit to watch a game.

Same box, looking away from the field.

And again.

"In Training"...Yeah, my childhood dream was to play for Coach Bryant;
alas, when one's 5'5" & about 115 @ age 18, + very slow/wimpy, such dreams die young...

It's a bit more crowded here on game day.

2 young Bama undergrads hanging out near Denny Chimes.

Wait...that might be Lisa & me; confusing us w/ undergrads is, of course, a natural mistake.

Around Denny Chimes, they put the hand & footprints of each year's captains.

Bobby Smith was Coach Bryant's 1st QB @ Bama.

He was also principal of Meigs Jr. High, which boasts one

Michael B. Madaris as a proud member of the class of 74.

The President's Home. Of course, it's been years since the UA President actually lived there, but it's still a pretty neat place.

From the Quad looking toward the stadium

Denny Chimes.

Denny Chimes from across the Quad. In another couple of weeks the campus (like many campuses in this part of the world!) will be beautiful with plants & trees blooming.

The Gorgas Library. This other Bama coed I know studied Library Sciences at UA & thus spent a lot of time in this building. After graduating, she & her hubby moved down to Ft. Walton Beach, FL & raised two sons. One of them blogs occasionally, and has been seen teaching Econ & Finance in Mississippi. *clears throat*

The building on the right is Bidgood Hall, which is one of the buildings housing the College of Commerce & Business Administration. (In our day, it was the *only* building housing CBA; now there are three) The building on the left is where these grad students in Econ & Finance used to have offices. One of those guys has been seen teaching Econ & Finance in South MS.
Random quad pic. Since it was a beautiful Spring-like day, there were a *bunch* of students playing frisbee, tossing a football around, walking dogs, playing music, or just lying there chilling.

My Bama coed hanging out on the Quad.

The Gorgas Home, rt in the middle of campus. Josiah Gorgas was chief artillery officer for the Confederate Army as I recall reading. When Mom was @ UA, there were still Gorgas descendants living here. It's a very neat place.

Michael B. Madaris, Economics, 1983. Lisa L. Mixon Madaris, Accounting, 1984.

Michael B. Madaris, M.A., Economics 1988; Ph.D. Financial Economics, 1990.

Bidgood Hall up close.

My last office in my Ph.D. studies days was the window directly over

where it says "Bidgood Hall."

Random Quad pic from in front of Bidgood.

Looking across the Quad.

My new Bama shirt: "A...How I Roll"

Our cholesterol had been a bit low; fortunately, there's Dreamland ribs to remedy that particular problem. In our day, there were only ribs on the menu; now they have sides too.
Still the same stylish interior decor.

Personalized autographed pic of the great Bart Starr, UA grad & Packer legend.

Above that, an autographed pic of UA grads & NFL legends Kenny Stabler & Ray Perkins (the pride of Petal, MS) Snake & Perkins combined for a bunch of passing yards for the Tide in the mid 60s.

The prelims: white bread & BBQ sauce. Nothing else is needed, really.

In our days @ UA, "Big Daddy" (pic by door) was still cooking the ribs here.

In 1980, this young beach hippie wanna-be moved to Tuscaloosa & roomed w/ a couple of guys from back home who already lived @ Forrester Gardens.

We lived in the one on the lower left that's boarded up. (Supply your own punchline here)

This beautiful coed from S. AL with gorgeous blue eyes lived in the one on the upper right.

Our church in downtown Tuscaloosa when we were newlyweds. Our pastor back then is now executive director of the AL Baptists. *Significant* life change & roots strengthening happened here in the mid 1980s. SO thankful...

Out in Holt a couple of miles outside of town, there's this trailer court. On this particular site was a used trailer back in the day. In that trailer lived this couple of newlyweds, in un-air-conditioned comfort. (Newlyweds do such foolish things...) That couple now lives in Hattiesburg, MS, but rolled back through Tuscaloosa a couple of weeks ago...

This driveway leads to the former home of my MUCH beloved Aunt & Uncle Daisy & George Styles. They were our landlords & lived just across the road from the trailer court. Being in their orbit @ the end of my single days & @ the beginning of our married days was a GREAT privilege that was HUGELY significant in making me who I am today as a man, husband, father, disciple, & church member. Uncle George's gorgeous tenor voice is now part of the heavenly choir praising the One he loved & sang to on earth. Aunt Daisy is still here.

Lisa & I just TREASURE their impact on us!

I even got a personal note welcoming me back to campus from the University Police. Well, it didn't exactly say "welcome back to campus"...more like "Don't ever park here again without a parking decal." But using the tools of postmodern debate & political discourse, I read it to say "Welcome back to campus." *smile*

And thus wraps up a photoblog of our return to Capistrano, er Tuscaloosa...

Roll Tide!
BB

30 years

2011-02-14T06:46:00.000-08:00

30 years.

Feb. 14, 1981 will always be one of the greatest days of my entire life.

A glorious game-changer of a day in ways that I couldn’t even fathom then.

There was this lovely young Bama coed from SW AL majoring in accounting with big beautiful blue eyes and a wonderful soft voice and a great smile who went out with me for the first time on Feb. 14, 1981.

I haven’t been the same since, praise God!

We went out again. And again. Ballgames. Picnics in the woods. Movies. Concerts. (One time she went to see Rush with me, mostly because she liked me…not so much because she liked Rush…). Church. Baptist Student Union events (our first date was a BSU event).

2.5 years later, on an Easter at her parents’ home, I put a diamond ring on her finger, as she said “yes” to my marriage proposal. (Aside: though I was & am pretty relationally-challenged by & large, I did this right: talked to her Dad & asked his permission; talked to her Mother & showed her the ring. I’m biased, but that’s the way it’s supposed to be done in my opinion.)

14 months after that, on June 2, 1984, we put rings on each other’s fingers in a church.

Since that first date we have…

--watched our beloved Coach Bryant break Amos Alonzo Stagg’s record for number of wins…andwatched his funeral.

--completed bachelor’s degrees in Business from Alabama (accounting for her; econ for me…accounting’s too hard!)

--had success getting into grad school…and getting out (I’m quite certain neither would’ve happened w/o her love, guidance, & encouragement!)

--lived in an un-air-conditioned trailer in Tuscaloosa, AL, making VERY little money…and had a blast doing so!

--moved way up north to Indiana, where we confirmed a few things: (1) we don’t like cold/ice/snow; (2) we *REALLY* like beaches; (3) we like southern food & Cajun food. Indiana has lots of cold/ice/snow, no real beaches, and ZERO Cajun food.

--bought our 1^st house up there

--seen James Madaris arrive on the scene @ Vigo Hospital in Terre Haute, IN

--moved to Hattiesburg, MS

--made some DEARLY treasured friends along the way…(and seem to have lost some too who used to be close friends)

--seen Anne Madaris arrive on the scene @ Forrest Gen’l Hospital in Hattiesburg

--joined the staff of Campus Crusade for Christ’s faculty ministry

--changed jobs & careers… had career success…and lack thereof

--been discipled together

--grown together in love and in faith

--faced challenges, from death of friends & family to the joyful challenges children provide to the crushing challenge of stage IV metastatic melanoma with 20+ trips to M.D. Anderson in 2+ years

--gone on mission trips, both together and separately

--realized that we are utterly & completely different/opposite in personality type, temperament, love languages, spiritual giftedness…and are still immensely enjoying seeing our Lord knit that together.

--discipled some college students, grad students, professors, & others

--started a Sunday School class for adults

And on & on it goes…

Today, 30 years after that first date, I am more deeply, passionately, hopelessly, joyfully, & wonderfully in love with Lisa Mixon Madaris than ever. I don’t have many clues now, but I *really* didn’t back then. And yet, here we are, by the grace of God.

As I tell my students each term, if a hammerhead like myself can get married, stay married, & grow in love like I have, there’s hope for the rest of you in the future.

“An excellent wife, who can find?” ME!

I, among men, am most blessed. Can’t wait to see what the future holds for us!

I love you, Lisa! And am still amazed that you went out with me & more, that you kept doing so. Thanks doesn’t come close, but THANKS!

p.s. – if you need either of us Wednesday, too bad! We’re off to Tuscaloosa for a day trip down memory lane. Can’t wait!

p.p.s. – I have no idea who this guy is, but here’s a pretty decent version of one of Lisa’s favorite songs, “I Wish You Peace” (originally on an Eagles album in the mid-70s.) >>PRESS THIS<<>

Remembering

2011-01-29T06:19:00.000-08:00

Have you ever been to Auschwitz?

I have. Multiple times. Next time I’m back in Poland, I’m going again, Lord willing, to remember and imagine and pray again.

I like to think I’m an OK writer, at least in terms of telling a story & capturing a slice of history. But I’ve tried for more than 10 years to capture my thoughts about Auschwitz. But the magnitude & horror of the place and of what happened there just absolutely buries me. Sometimes there just aren’t enough words.

Imagine with me a place developed for one purpose: to kill a large number of people in a very cost efficient manner. It’s very hard to imagine until one actually walks into the place.

One estimate is that roughly half of the Jews who died during the Holocaust died at Auschwitz.

Another estimate is that approximately 80% of those who got off of the box cars @ Auschwitz died in the gas chambers. Most of those got off the train and walked directly to the “dressing rooms” where they surrendered their clothes & valuables, and then walked into the “showers” in the basement from which they never walked out.

To be sure, it wasn’t only Jews who died at in the gas chambers of Auschwitz. But it was, by a long way, mostly Jews.

Auschwitz (“Osweciem” in Polish) is a small town out in the *beautiful* countryside of southern Poland, not far from Krakow. The train tracks just outside the big camp (Birkenau) merge from multiple directions. They keep merging until there’s just the one going in under the infamous gate. (There’s a very chilling depiction of a train’s arrival in Auschwitz in the movie Schindler’s List; that scene was filmed on location there at the Birkenau camp.)

There are no tracks coming out the other end of Auschwitz.

It was not on the way to anywhere. The deadly phrase “The Final Solution” comes VIVIDLY to mind there.

One is struck by how very little conversation there is when standing there on the sandy area where the trains unloaded. The same is true back by the ruins of the showers & ovens.

The museum has a huge pile of suitcases…and another huge pile of canes & prosthetic limbs…and another pile of human hair…and another pile of shoes. The elderly & the handicapped didn't last very long there. In the middle of the pile of shoes is a pair of pink little girls’ shoes that sort of stand out. Little girls didn’t last very long there either.

Over behind where the fields of barracks were is a meadow where groups would sit waiting their turn down in the gas chambers. Nearby is a lake where many of the ashes were dumped after the ovens did their work. It is said that one can run one’s hand through the lake today and the hand will come up with ash & bone fragments.

One cannot fathom the size of the place. Nor the size of the ruins of the ovens & gas chambers. Picture a towering industrial factory. There were three of those, with other smaller ones around. We walked down into one of the “overflow” shower facilities. Talk about not enough words!

There are small candles & flowers left there by survivors & relatives & those just seeking to honor the memory of the dead.

I fear that one day the flowers & candles will not be placed there any more. And I fear that day will come sooner than we might think.

Despite how we think of it (or don’t), it's not ancient history. Just 15 short years before I was born, the showers & ovens of Auschwitz were in full operation. I’ll come back to the “not-ancient-history” part of the Holocaust.

Once again: the Birkenau camp at Auschwitz was developed solely for the purpose of killing large numbers of people in a timely cost-efficient manner.

And yet, as overwhelmingly vivid & horrifying as Auschwitz is to me, and as deeply as it cuts me & challenges me to the depths of my soul…I went there for the first time in 1998, more than 50 years after Birkenau was emptied & the ovens & chimneys went silent.

There are still some alive today who didn’t drive up to the front gate, nor did they casually walk in & look around. They rolled into Birkenau in crowded boxcars & were met by shouts & whips & dogs & shoves. They went to the barber & to the shower where their valuables were stolen by the guards & trustees. Then they went to barracks as their parents, spouses, children, & friends went down into the deadly basements.

Thursday was Holocaust Remembrance Day. To those I’ve just mentioned, every day is Holocaust Remembrance Day. Is there ever a day on which they don’t remember?

To the rest of us, every day should be Holocaust Day. Even those of us who were not yet born then when the showers & ovens were operational. Perhaps especially those of us who were not yet born then.

You see, there are other similarly voices today calling for the end of the Jewish people and of the nation of Israel. Right now. Today.

There are still other voices today calling for the end of the American people and of the nation of the United States of America. Right now. Today.

Both sets of voices are from political leaders with large followings who have demonstrated the ability and willingness to kill large numbers of people efficiently.

Have you ever been to Auschwitz?

You should go.

May we never go.

Holocaust Remembrance Day. Do you remember?

How They Linger...

2011-01-16T20:39:00.000-08:00

Precious memories...

Lisa & I went to hang w/ my brother & his wife & daughter this weekend. Had a total blast! But that's not what this entry is about. (well, except that we added to our list of precious memories...)

Unseen angels sent from somewhere to my soul...

It was what Highway 80 does every time I drive it. More precisely, what the places along Highway 80 do to me every time I pass them.

How they linger ever near me...

First, there's the the beautiful land along this road through central Alabama. Over & against the land's God-given beauty are the multiple homesites now rotting. Stu Webber, a writer who has had a huge impact on my life & walk with Christ--and who every male needs to read!--describes such abandoned, falling down places as the ruins of a lost mini-civilization. Since reading that description, I always try to imagine those homesites when they were occupied...

And the sacred scenes unfold...

Then one drives right through Selma, AL. A historical city, mostly for the horror of what happened on the Edmund Pettis bridge back in the 60s. (We drove across that bridge just today). But Selma resonates with me for a different reason. Just off of 80 as one comes into town is a collection of old, small houses. One of those houses was the last earthly address of two simple country folks, in the absolute highest & best & most complimentary sense of "simple" & "country." Their names were Charlie & Mattie. I never really knew Charlie, as he passed when I was just 1. There is a picture of Charlie & his grownup son holding me that I treasure. Mattie, I knew quite well & loved/love dearly. Her life & laugh & faith matter greatly to many, but particularly to me. Charlie & Mattie's last name? Madaris. My Grandma & Grandpa. Today as we detoured past the old house, there were truly many "sacred scenes unfolding" in the theater of my memory. It used to be the case that when I drove past after Grandma's passing it brought only sadness & tears. Today, it brought only joy & smiles.

Precious memories, how they linger...

Just back up 80 is Elkdale Baptist Church. Grandma was a faithful member. She regularly used to walk the few blocks to get there on Sundays. (Mattie never had a driver's license) Hers was an amazing faith that was rock solid, despite a pretty tough life. She became the "Mom" figure to her younger siblings around age 12 when her own mother was admitted to the mental hospital from which she never returned. Mattie buried her Charlie. She lost children very young, and not so very young, including her second son James. And yet, through the challenges, Mattie's faith only seemed to strengthen. For which I am *most* grateful.

How they ever flood my soul...

A couple of miles up the road is where Charlie & Mattie's daughter Evelyn lived with her husband & their son Joe. Aunt Evelyn & Uncle Joe's place was the scene of many a Madaris family gathering. Which meant football in the front yard, exploring the creek in the back yard, avoiding snakes in the woods, riding horses, dirt clod fights, lots of food, board games, & lots of laughter. Aunt Evelyn is one of several of Charlie & Mattie's kids whose faith stands as a shining beacon, drawing those of us who are following along behind & showing us what deep, abiding faith in Christ looks like. She's there now waiting, in the land of the eternal hello. (Related aside: cancer sucks!) Can't wait to hear her marvelous laugh again, and to sing the hymns with her beautiful voice there beside me.

In the stillness of the midnight, precious sacred scenes unfold...

Just a few miles east of Selma is the turnoff that takes one to downtown Dutch Bend, AL, which is sort of a suburb of Braggs in Lowndes County. Braggs is more or less the anchor pole of Charlie & Mattie's family's journey, although as a sawmill worker, they moved around a bit. In my day, their older son Charles, Jr. lived there with his family. It is one of my favorite places on the globe, as their place was one of my favorite places to visit as a kid & also as a confused, angry teen. Going there always made me somewhat less angry. Uncle Jr. & Aunt Nell knew how to make boys have a whale of a good time and how to make us laugh. Hunting, fishing, working with the cows, riding dirt bikes,...precious sacred scenes indeed! Uncle Jr. is also there waiting in the land of the eternal hello. Poetically, he entered eternity on one of the very few times I ever knew of him going hunting by himself (most of the time, he was trying to make sure his city-folk nephews got to shoot @ the deer & doves & quail.) Thankfully, Aunt Nell is still around & is a "facebook friend" of mine, in addition to a beloved Aunt.

And old home scenes of my childhood in fond memory appear...

Farther along 80 is Montgomery, AL, which is where this couple I know used to live as young married folks. He worked on the newspaper as a typesetter, and she taught school. Their second son was born there, and is sitting in this chair & typing this blog entry right now.

As I travel on life's pathway knowing not what the years may hold...

Somewhere in Montgomery is a Baptist church. There was a newly-married Sunday School class there in the late 1950s. They hung out, encouraged one another, rocked each other's babies, prayed together, and tried to work through what a Christian marriage was like. I'm so very thankful, for I lived the fruit of their co-laboring for the first 15 years of my life under the roof of one of those couples.

As I ponder, hope grows fonder...

Between Montgomery & Prattville is the "Hank Williams Lost Highway" memorial stretch of I-65. (Hank's buried in Montgomery). I mention this because Hank was a favorite of all of these folks I've been talking about. The last Christmas present I ever bought my Dad--and the only one I actually remember--was an 8-track of Hank's Greatest Hits; I wound up giving it to his brother, Uncle Jr. after Dad's homegoing. I still love me some Hank; smiling right now as I remember this dashingly-handsome country boy from Braggs, AL singing "Hey, Good Lookin'" to his sweetie in the car while their sons giggled in the back seat.

Precious memories flood my soul.

As mentioned earlier, most of these markers for me have in the past brought forth many a tear. Friday night and this afternoon, it was all smiles & thanksgiving. As the old hymn says, "when we all get to heaven, what a day of rejoicing that will be! When we all see Jesus, we'll sing and shout the victory!"

Precious memories...flood...my...soul.

Debriefing 2010

2011-01-05T11:47:00.000-08:00

Here's a nearly-random list of highlights, lowlights, & things learned in 2010. I know you're excited...

--Having parts of 2 ribs surgically removed is not as much fun as it sounds.

--The recovery from the above is much longer than the previous two lung surgeries.

--"Your P.E.T. scans are perfect" is one of the greatest sentences ever uttered in the English language.

--Studying, teaching in Sunday School, and hearing sermons on Galatians for 13 weeks is an *amazing* and transforming experience. I'll never be the same.

--Studying for the CFA II exam is much more challenging @ 51 than studying for the CFA I exam was @ 32...*sigh*

--I *love* to read. (Not a new revelation; just yet another confirmation)

--I like to learn new things. Well, mostly.

--One of the great things about the professor gig is that it allows/encourages/demands both of the above.

--I'll never get tired of seeing my alma mater winning the football national championship, even after watching them do so either 7 or 8 times in my years on earth. (can't remember; too lazy to look it up rt now)

--Defense wins championships. Still true, even in this age of flag-football-like offenses. Relatedly, as one of Coach Bryant's assistants once said, "Dancing is a contact sport; football's a hitting sport." Give me smashmouth football all day, on both sides of the ball.

--When my team loses 9 starters on defense, a tight end, & 2 O Linemen, and still goes 10-3 with 6 teams having had an off week before playing us, I'd say we're in a pretty good place.

--Despite the previous three points, I think I am *finally* getting to the point where wins don't make my week, and losses don't break my week. No doubt, I want to win them all, but there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ULTIMATE that's determined by the actions of 160 or so 18-22 year old guys on Saturday afternoon. (or older guys on Sunday afternoon & Monday night, for that matter)

--Relatedly, I was genuinely able to root for the UT Vols in their game, for example, and was disappointed when that wild game ended w/ a UT loss. Also, I was able congratulate my Auburn & LSU & USC-east friends when their team beat mine, and really mean it. Granted, this was a very strange sensation to this lifelong Bama fan (which is sad for me...but at least there's progress on the "proper perspective" front).

--I like it this way, where my friends & my witness for Christ are more important than the outcome of a game. And I deeply regret that it has taken this long to get to this perspective.

--Perhaps there will come a day when I can watch the PCS Bobcats play a football game without choking up with a deep longing to see big #75 strap 'em on one more time. But that day has not arrived yet. (#75 is a handsome fellow; a future pharmacist, who looks a lot like a bigger, stronger, more athletic, smarter, better looking version of me. My favorite football player of all time.)

--Perhaps there will come a day when I can watch the PCS Bobcats play a basketball game without choking up with a deep longing to chat & laugh & pray & cry & eat a Zips burger with my friend, former PCS Head Coach Mark Bryan again. But that day has not arrived yet either. R.I.P., Coach!

--I can still smell the after-shave, & feel the scruff of a 5 o'clock shadow of James E. Madaris, and I still miss him with an absolutely palpable "missing."

--26.5 years of marriage goes by in a very quick hurry...And I am so much more passionately & hopelessly & wonderfully in love with my Bama coed now than I was 26.5 years ago that the comparison is hardly worth making.

--I'm now sitting under some wonderfully consistent, in-depth, Spirit-empowered preaching. I'm so thankful...

--Relatedly, expository preaching through books of the Bible is, by FAR, my preferred type of preaching.

--Aslan is on the move. (Thank you, C.S. Lewis, for that wonderful analogy! Based on all I see/hear/read, it's very descriptive of what's going on right now.)

--The Web & all of its trinkets & apps is an incredible tool...or an incredible time waster. I've used it as both.

--This is a fascinating and very challenging time to be teaching Economics & Finance.

--Riding a bike on Longleaf Trace is BY FAR the most fun fitness/exercise thing I've EVER done. And if--as earlier today--I can do that with the most beautiful coed ever to come through the University of Alabama, so much the better.

--I love my job. And folks I work alongside. (Also not a new one; just a reconfirmation)

--I love where we live. And yet, every time I go down to Mom & Leo's I still wonder why I don't live back down there.

--The best thing about Facebook & Twitter is the chance to re-connect with friends from back in the day that I had let fall by the wayside.

--I have two *fascinating* children, whose company I *VERY* much enjoy.

--Those who refuse to participate in the political process are doomed to be governed by their inferiors. (Winston Churchill, paraphrased)

--So much more could be said. And likely will (you should see my "unpublished drafts" section of this blog...).

bb

A New Year Thought...But Not Mine

2010-12-31T18:40:00.000-08:00

Lord, you have been our dwelling place in all generations.

Before the mountains were brought forth, or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

You return man to dust and say, “Return, O children of man!”

For a thousand years in your sight are but as yesterday when it is past, or as a watch in the night.

You sweep them away as with a flood; they are like a dream, like grass that is renewed in the morning:

in the morning it flourishes and is renewed; in the evening it fades and withers.

So teach us to number our days that we may get a heart of wisdom.

Return, O Lord! How long? Have pity on your servants!

Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.

Let your work be shown to your servants, and your glorious power to their children.

Let the favor of the Lord our God be upon us, and establish the work of our hands upon us; yes, establish the work of our hands!

Psalm 90:1-6, 12-14, 16-17

("A Prayer of Moses, the Man of God ")

Happy 2011!

Grace in the Darkness

2010-12-18T12:24:00.000-08:00

Having just pondered here a season of darkness for me, I wanted to illustrate how those days were not *all* dark. With a head fake too; you've been warned...*smile*

Almost immediately after renouncing my faith (or trying to...) some friends in town showed up within just a couple of days. It was *very* awkward for them; what does one say when tragedy has struck a family & you walk into it? Here's what they said: "Um...uh...so...we're going to hang out...wanna go?" I recall looking @ Mom, & seeing her smile & say "you should go." So I did. I can't tell you how absolutely great that gesture was, & how much it meant...means...to me. I have no recollection of exactly where we went or what we did; I just remember being amazed at how much fun it was just to hang out & do normal stuff again. Basically, a reminder that life goes on, even when we don't really see how it could.

These guys were just some of many HS friends who stepped up large in December, 1974, and during the weeks & months after. Beach trips. Concerts. Waterskiing. Meals. Ice cream. Pranks. (both on me, and with me as a participant). Yards rolled. (Guilty! And we were pretty good at it, I must say.)

Some of those HS friends then are still friends now, and I remain ever more grateful for their friendship & encouragement then and now. I am still rather amazed that so many would hang with an angry, confused, self-centered, flaming...jerk like me back then.

Basically, those friends helped me see that, though it seemed the world went gray in 12/14/74 when Dad died, it really hadn't changed. There was still laughter & beauty & fun & music &...(etc.) An invaluable blessing to me back then.

One of those guys actually went on to room w/ me in Broward Hall @ U. of FL. We had a blast, despite me being perhaps the worst roommate in the world. A couple of others also went to UF. Unlike me, they all got it done in the classroom part. But they helped me laugh & learn & have a blast & keep on recovering & moving forward. Thanks, Jim...Barry...Cyndy...Rick...

Fraternity. I learned so very much there, much of it good & valuable info to know. (Well, some things, not so valuable...but the valuable stuff was great!) The good stuff learned was endurance...patience...getting along with others...pursuing a common purpose...discipline (for me a latent piece of knowledge, but it started there in the LXA house)...sacrifice for the good of another. (I still remember one guy tying another guy's shoes every morning, because the one guy had crippling arthritis.) And of course, I learned a lot about good music.

As a related aside...One guy is an IT type down in S. FL...another is an aerospace engineer...another teaches engineering in college part-time when his full-time gig as TX Instruments allows...another is an accountant in GA...another is a senior guy w/ one of the Federal financial institution regulatory agencies. (Among other success stories from my friends back then; I'm proud to be associated w/ those guys!) And some are still in contact & are friends today, after all these years.

Enjoyment of college sports. I already did, but it was elevated there, despite some epic-ly awful Gator teams. The football record one year was 0-10-1...brutal. And I still loved the games!

Scuba diving. Got certified @ this w/ yet another fraternity brother. Which led to some of the coolest life experiences ever! Ginnie Springs...the Manatees' home harbor down there in SW FL...diving off Key Largo...

Junior college. Academic redemption. For the first time in a *long* time, I discovered that I could, in fact, succeed in the classroom as a student. Went to juco w/ a friend who, like me, needed to re-boot his academic life. He now a retired military officer with a Master's degree, and is one of the senior managers of a hospital system in south FL.

Alabama. Roomed w/ my cousin Gary. By which I mean, he & I shared a room in an apt. Again, I was likely the world's worst roommate, and yet Gary hung out me & loved me & demonstrated faith to me by the way he lived. And there were others, who showed me how to have a *blast* without getting intoxicated. (Sadly, that was a big revelation for me.)

Plus, there was this coed who lived upstairs across the breezeway...26.5 years ago, she put a ring on my finger in a small church in SW AL.

The college & young adult class @ Hopewell Baptist Church. The pastor, Billy Austin. I started singing the hymns again (see previous entry for back story). The young marrieds class @ First Baptist Church. The pastor, Rick Lance (now director of Alabama Baptists). *Great* preaching! Richard & Lori, our Sunday School teachers. Don Bennett, Director of the Baptist Student Union.

The three professors @ UA that I've written about in this space before.

Just a sampling of countless bits of grace I received...

So, you see, even in the midst of great spiritual darkness, there were grace notes added to the symphony of my life, as God wooed me back to Himself. I would not have chosen the path, but I now cherish it. And *that* is how I can sing w/ the southern Gospel song "I wouldn't take nothin' for my journey now."

I am so very blessed, and was during those 10 years of denying it. I am so grateful for the people & places & events of those years. I am so very humbled by the love & grace they showed me.

And now for the head fake. Read back through this. Think it was about me or about people & circumstances from back in the day? Think again. While I am eternally grateful for the people and for those events & circumstances, this entry was really about you & your future. Notice in these examples how VERY easy it is to be a huge blessing & grace note in the hands of the Master Composer in someone else's live. Go thou & do likewise!

Thankful for much grace in the darkness...and in the light,
bb